Yes, you got it right sir. He is my father – Triloki Nath Chauhan.
Isn’t it an impressive name. A very tough man, sir. A big gun of his time.
He used to silence everyone by saying only one sentence – don’t try to be over-smart.
Every man related to him envied his potential. Encyclopedia is a small word to describe him. Some say he was a very big institution in himself.
His interest in everything was exceptional – music, poetry, religion, science, history or politics.
We used to feel very small in front of him. His every sentence was a command and every word a message. He never pocketed an insult.
His biggest plus point was that he had a very impeccable character – a clean and fair image. He never discussed a trifle. The words he uttered today he would repeat the same even after ten years. He crammed the names of hundreds of people like a parrot.
Where is he now?
He is very much alive now.
He is alive but his life is as if a carcass of meat. Do not know how many times during the day he becomes violent. He has to be kept in a room of the house. By locking the door.
You must have heard of the disease named dementia. Memory is lost in this malaise. The patient cannot do routine daily activities. There is no coherence in his conversation, there is no focus. He behaves like a child. A child learns a new thing every day, but a man like Dad constantly forgot about things around him, even himself. He lost control over his body parts.
There are many forms of this disease. I will not be able to tell you properly. Alzheimer’s disease or something.
But whatever it is, a man becomes like a potato or cabbage. He is in front of you but his existence is negligible. Dad seems to be lost in himself all the time.
We took Dad to many hospitals. Initially, he had a different problem. It was probably the beginning then.
Doctor would ask – What is your name?
Dad would become alert and reply – Triloki Nath Chauhan.
Doctor would wonder – Hey, you are sir. I have heard your name. Who doesn’t know you. You have done big things which no one else can do.
Dad would smile, a strange snobbish smile. His face would be filled with arrogance.
In the early years, Dad did not allow his illness to be revealed to those around him. Dad would be happy to meet anyone who came to our house. Even though he did not recognize, he used to sit next to the guest. Of course, Dad would not ask anything, but it was not that he did not take any interest in the guest. Dad would repeatedly ask every visitor – When did you come? Did you have tea?
His whole existence had become limited to one or two routine enquiry.
Then Dad slowly started living in his room calmly.
A worst thing happened soon. He forgot his own face in the mirror. Thinking of himself as someone else, he used to talk to his image.
Then he started becoming oblivious to the surroundings. He lost a sense of time and place. He started thinking the morning as evening. He didn’t remember day and date? He would insist on some thing violently. Sometimes when we used to make our father sit in the balcony of the house, he would forget the way to his room or bathroom.
There was a lot of confusion about his food. He felt very hungry at some time and at another time we had trouble feeding him biscuits with tea.
Sometimes he used to remember his late father. Dad would say – take me to my Papa.
Mom explained – You are above 85, how can your father be alive now.
Shocked Dad would ask – when did he die, why didn’t you tell me?
Tears started flowing from Dad’s eyes.
Dad’s memory was diminishing very fast. Now he would recognize only me and my Mom. Mom was 10 years younger to him. She was not well either.
The Psychiatrist would ask Dad about the people sitting around him, about me this time – Who is this?
Dad used to say with disdain – this is my unworthy son. He failed to do anything worthwhile in his life. He ran away from the Military Academy. He is a failure in business too.
My father had great expectations from me. He was very ambitious himself, and was very possessive about me. He wanted to see me above him.
I ran away from the Army Officer’s Training Centre.
I started establishing myself in business and needed financial help from Dad, he would shout – I came to Delhi empty-handed. My father had a pension of five hundred rupees a month. There were ten creatures in the house to feed. Now I have made a big house for you in Chandigarh. There is a ten-acre farm house also. There are four luxury cars parked in the house. What have you done? Disgraced my name.
Dad complained about everything. I did not meet any of his expectations.
What I wanted to become?
Oh sir, nobody has asked me since I joined school. Dad just ordered – do this, do that.
Dad had a great influence in government. I got admission in one of the best schools. Admission was easy in the college too. Teachers respected me lest my father should not telephone anyone against them.
There was a time when he was synonymous with the great power in the city.
Dad was a genius. He did not read so much. He was very sharp. I do not know how he grasped everything. He read newspapers in the morning. His memory was amazing. No one could argue with him.
There were many important events in his life. He went directly into the army as an officer. Soon after independence, the top police officers were taken from the army. Dad was an expert in his work and was always away from politics. Leaders took great advantage of this quality. Dad would get good assignments – wherever there were riots or separatist movements, Dad acted like a hero.
What more can I tell? You ask Google. He will not get tired telling you Dad’s Milestones but you will get bored listening what a great man my Dad was.
We family members were badly affected by Dad’s popularity.
It had bad effect on our normal life.
Mom lost her voice.
No, she is not dumb. She was dwarf in front of Dad. She Could not resist. What my father said was a command for her.
Yes me too.
I was pushed here and there. And everywhere I was declared a failure. Because I didn’t want to do all that my Dad wanted me to do.
What I wanted to do?
I was never given any chance to think? My father dominated my thinking.
My Dad’s retirement was also very long.
He was very active till the age of 80. Dad continued to get many assignments from Government. He would go abroad too. He kept his suitcase ready. We were told just one thing – Dad is going to Delhi.
We would rejoice. At last we will have relief for a few days.
Time changed, people changed, governments changed.
Dad was replaced by other people. His usefulness was decreasing. Now there was no value of honesty. Dad became irrelevant. He was getting old too.When Dad was between 85 and 90 years of his age, his status was gone. It pained and irritated him. I was 55.
What do I do?
I do petty business. My father amassed so much and I take care of that.
People stopped meeting Dad. Dad became alone in his room.
Sometimes he would write something. I will show you. I had no clues what he wrote. These are some Essays on Politics.
Yes, I took the writings to the publishers. They say these won’t sell. If he had written twenty years ago, it might have made something.
This is human limitation. Goods purchased must be sold at right time.
It was now becoming a full-time job in itself to keep Dad tied at home.
He considered everyone a downgrade. He didn’t agree with anything. Dad would recognize me only. Now he started thinking Mom to be the caretaker of the house.
I would fight with Dad too often now. All my life, Dad kept me under his control. Now my fear of his towering personality was gone. Dad was now like an old lion whose teeth had broken and he had forgotten even to roar.
Now we were facing a new problem. Dad would elope from the house as soon as he got an opportunity without telling anyone.
He would go out often. In the beginning, he lost way back home. He walked to the other end of the town.We had great trouble locating him.
His beard had grown. His appearance had changed. The city had changed a lot now. The shopkeepers around our house knew about Dad’s disease, but people known to us decreased in number now. Some had moved out of town with their children while many had died.
This Chandigarh is a unique city. All its sectors seem to be identical. It becomes difficult to differentiate between the markets of Sector 35 and Sector 36. Roads, crossings and the exteriors all look the same.
Dad was really tough to be controlled now. He would sneak out at the first opportunity. At times he would jump out of boundary wall.
Dad’s favourite destination was Delhi all his life.
Even now, he used to say all the time – take me to Delhi. My Papa is there. He is alone. Who would take care of him?
Mom used to cry. There was no effect on Dad.
Dad forgot about all our relatives. Even about Mom too.
I would tie a ribbon on his neck or arm with Dad’s name, address and my mobile number, but he would tear it out. I wrote these details with pen on the inside of his collar or arm of his shirt. But what no one else would bother to read.
One day the inevitable happened which haunted us all the time.
Dad went missing.
He used to murmur all the time – take me to Delhi. So someone might have guided him to a bus going to Delhi.
Now Delhi is a big city.
We kept searching Dad here in our city, Ambala, Patiala and around, Police stations, old age homes, bus stand, railway station, everywhere.
I hired two men to search him. I would send them everywhere. I got posters of Dad’s disappearance pasted at many places. I advertised in several newspapers.
Dad drew his pension from the State Bank of Sector 35. I went there. We wanted to transfer Dad’s pension in the name of Mom. We were told to wait.
A year passed but we did not get any news of Dad. If a person from family is missing, it becomes very painful. Everyday we would wake up with a new hope. If a man of this age goes missing it leaves you guilty and depressed.
We were sitting silently. What could we do?
Then one day I got a call from the bank that your father is alive.
We were told that Dad was admitted in a Government Hospital in Delhi.
After all, Dad reached Delhi.
I don’t know where he was wandering all these days. He might have fallen ill and someone might have got him admitted to a Hospital. Dad spoke good English, someone thought that he must be from a good family.
Dad did not even remember his name.
How did they know us then?
The doctors would talk to Dad every day. One day, Dad suddenly cried – Triloki Nath Chauhan, State Bank, Sector 35, Chandigarh.
He drew his Pension from here.
The people there contacted the bank and the bank informed me.
I went to Delhi to take Dad back home.
There was anger in my mind and guilt too that we are not taking care of Dad properly.
I found Dad like an unclaimed person in the General Ward of that simple hospital. He was in shabby torn clothes.
I felt too ashamed and small.
It took me too long to convince him that I was his son.
He looked unaware. There was no emotion in the eyes. Anyone could have taken him from there.
I was asked to pay for the expenses of Dad’s long stay in that hospital. I had two lakh rupees in cash with me.
The man sitting on the payment counter checked the record and said – One thousand, two hundred and sixty rupees.
Sir, believe me.
I am a very hard-hearted person but for the first time tears rolled out like a stream from my eyes.
My throat was blocked. I gasped for breath.
Oh my God! What am I looking at? For how long this man has been lying here without any name or family. Now he did not dare to run anywhere.
I brought them home. He was like a corpse. I fastened him tightly with the seat belt of the car. On all way to Chandigarh Dad sat silent without any word or thought.
Now everything is calm.
Dad is alive. He fails to recognize me every day.
I feel pity. What is the final destiny of life? We run like a rat all our life – struggle, quarrels, robbery, deceit and what not.
And what remains in the end – a void, a lost identity, an absolute silence.
How can someone be so miserable and lonely like Dad.
