Raju (38 years old) lives with his wife Kamala and 8 yearold daughter Lakshmi in Kakinada, a small town in Andhra Pradesh. He works as a mathematics teacher in a small private school in the town. They belong to lower middle class family and live in a small house.
That evening Raju returns home from the school at his usual time 5.00 p.m. Kamala
andChinnu (Lakshmi’s nick name) are getting ready for Chinnu’s friend’s birthday party. Kamala asks Raju to come to the party but Raju says he can’t come as he is having severe body ache. Kamala gets angry on Raju and says he never attends any function with them sighting flimsy excuses. She says he never mingles with relatives, friends,
he is not social, and there is something wrong with him.Raju don’t speak.Chinnupersuades her father to come to the party along with them. Raju kisses her cheeks and says she is looking pretty in the new frock. He grabs her and puts on his lap. He says he is not feeling well and that’s why he can’t come. Chinnu says he always tells like that and don’t come to any function with them.Raju then tells he will definitely go with them the next time. Chinnu asks for a promise and Raju kisses her again. Kamala and Chinnu leave, Raju gets anxious and closes the main door hurriedly.
Raju checks all the windows are closed. He goes into the bedroom with his laptop.
His best time in a day is going to start. He watches porn videos while masturbating.
He loves those films to the core of his heart. There is a deep desire and intensity in his eyes while watching them. Lot of thinking goes on his mind while he watches the porn. He admires those actors and also desires to act like them. He thinks they love what they are doing and they are enjoying life. This is his best time as he forgets all the problems, sadness he has in his life. Thanks to Pornography. This all goes on in his mind every time he watches porn. He gets ejaculation, comes into the real, boring, tough and sad life. He wishes the ejaculation has lasted more. He deletes history and turns off the laptop.
He completes his bath and sits on the sofa. He feels so weak as all his energy got drained out. He thinks he has become a complete loser in his life. His time and energy are getting wasted in this awful, dirty activity. He can’t even go to social functions with his family. He can’t look into people’s especially women’s eyes. He can’t talk to them because while talking, the imaginations of them acting in porn film will flash in his dirty mind. Tears roll down on his cheeks.He cries covering his face with his hands.
He thinks his life has gone out from his hands. He wipes his face firmly. He doesn’t want to be a loser. He wants to get rid of watching porn. He has to beat this intense desire of his heart. He has to make his mind take control over his heart. This can only happen with his strong will. He takes an oath with strong will that he shouldn’t watch porn from the next day. But he knows he will fail as this is not the first time he took oath. This is happening since last 23 years. He fails every time. His heart’s desire is so powerful that it didn’t care his love towards his daughter also. He once took an oath on his daughter but he failed that time also. There is nothing he didn’t try to beat it but his heart is the final winner every time.He has to fight with the desire of his heart which is perhaps the biggest battle in the world.He is a relentless fighter hoping to win one day.
Kamala &Chinnu return home. They bring dinner pack for him. He eats it and they sleep. Chinnu always sleeps hugging him. He feels sad. Those actresses in the porn films are also like Chinnu in their childhood, but they might be dragged into that profession by force, by extortion or by necessity. Guys like him are the main reason for their sorry state because these films get made as there is a demand. When there is no demand there will be no production. He feels guilty but knows all this good thinking will end when the monster desire in his heart awakens. The monster sleeps for one or two days after ejaculation, once it awakens it does not care anything. Those actresses are so happy and they smile while doing it means they love what they are doing.
Nobody has forced them into that profession but they came by their will.
So enjoy it before you die, the monster says. He knows he is going to die one day because of this intense struggle between his moral guilt and monstrous desire of his heart. He is tired of this endless thinking. He kisses chinnu and sleeps.
Raju and Chinnu arrive at the School. Chinnu studies class III in the same Private school where Raju works as a mathematics teacher for class VI & VII. Raju goes into the staff room and sits on his usual corner table which is far away from the rest of the tables. He sits alone as he can’t talk freely with the other staff members especially women. Even if he tries to talk he can’t see directly into their eyes so they may figure out that something is wrong with him. So it is better to be alone. Any way he can’t fit in this society. Whether he only has this problem or others are also like him? If so, how are they controlling this monstrous desire? He wants to discuss his problem with others to take clues, but he can’t do that. They may feel that he is a disgusting and nasty guy.
His respect will be lost and his daughter has to face the humiliation. The school bell ring stops his endless thinking. He takes his books and goes into the class room.
After entering the class he immediately goes towards the black board. Most of the time during his session he faces the black board to avoid eye contact with the students in general and girls in particular.He feels ashamed as he has to stand in front of 40 students. He has chosen a wrong profession; anyway he is a complete loser in his life. Pictures of naked women he has seen the last day flashes in his mind while he is solving a problem on the black board. The nerves in his brain will be cut off during this transition, he fears. Of course this happens daily. With great difficulty he completes his session and comes out quickly.
Two days pass by. Raju is not getting sleep. It is 11.00 p.m. Chinnu and Kamala are sleeping. He sees Chinnu and she looks so adorable while sleeping. He kisses her and goes silently into the living room.He sits on the sofa trying to control the monster with his mind. There is nothing new in them; they are the same women he has been seeing since the ages. Those breasts are just the meat balls through which they feed their babies and that is just an organ through which waste water comes out from the body in form of urine. What is so fascinating about them?The other day one Sadguru appeared on a devotional television channel and told that only that place gets filled with prosperity where women gets respected. So it is not good for his house and his family if he watches nude women. His mind says.“Stop the nonsense” the monster in his heart says. Corona Virus has taken away many lives. Aren’t there any good people among them? What they have enjoyed in their short life? Do you think you will live 100 years? You may also die tomorrow. Enjoy your life while it lasts.Women are god’s best creation. It is his gift to all the men in the world. They are the medicine given by him to the ever suffering men. You are not raping any woman. You are not doing it in real. You are just seeing a video where two or three people enjoying sex. What’s wrong in it? Who cares about success? It is “happiness” that matters ultimately. Whether all the successful people are happy? No they are not. They are wasting their life, earning money all the time and suddenly they will die one day. When will they enjoy the life? Monster wins the battle.
Raju brings his laptop and watches porn till his pants gets wet. He puts the holy savior machine back in its place and sits on the sofa. He is not getting tears also. This has become the routine since so many years. Since some time back he used to get tears and cried many times. But that is not happening now days. May be he is not a human now but a soulless monster.He is not able to control his heart.He gets defeated every time. He doesn’t want to do it and wants to do it at the same time. How is this possible? Whether he is the most complex man in the world? He gets angry and thinks there is only way to defeat this monster. By his death. He sleeps on the sofa thinking when and where it all got started.
It was 23 years ago. He moved to Class X. He used to live in the same town with his parents in a small house. His father had a small grocery store in the corner of the street.
Though they were poor, his parents gothim admitted in a reputed private school since Class VII as he was always the topper in the class and excelled in his studies. They thoughthe would have a bright future. That day was the 1st day of the school after summer vacation. He got appreciated and felicitated by the Principal as he was the topper of class IX.Sourabh was the new admission in his class. The Principal, while welcoming and motivating the classstudents, told about the history of the school. He told them that the name of the student, who stands first in the final exams, would be scripted permanently on the School’s wall and also the school would bear all the expenses of the student till his/her graduation. He asked the students to raise their hands who think they could achieve the feat. Both Raju and Sourabhraised their hands.
Sourabh’s grandfather provided the fund to the school many years back to bear the expenses of the topper of Class X. Sourabh’s father studied in the same school till class X but didn’t become topper though he had tried very hard. After so many years he returned to the town to join Sourabh in the same school though he was working as Deputy Municipal Commissioner in other nearby city. He askedSourabh to study hard as he would liketo see his name scripted on the school wall which is the symbol of his family’s pride but not for money.
Although Sourabhhad studied hard he was not able to surpassRaju until the final exams. One day another student named Bhuvan askedRaju whether he could explain some physics concepts to him as he was finding them difficult to understand.
Raju asked him to come to his house the next day, not knowing that his life was going to change upside down since then.
While Raju was explaining the concepts to Bhuvan, a nude picture of a model fell off from Bhuvan’s book.Raju saw the picture and his heart skipped a beat. Observing Raju’s interest and shock, Bhuvan asked him whether he knew anything about sex.When Raju shook his head, Bhuvan told him that he was having so many sex books in his home and he tookRaju to his home. He gave some books to Raju and asked him to Watch “Fashion TV”to see the nude women. At the tender age of 15,Raju got attracted to them. He saw those books and TV Channel every day in the night when their parents slept. He neglected his studies. He got 3rd rank in the final exams while Sourabhgot the 1st rank and his name got scripted on the wall. Since then he was not able to come out of that menace. As his parents could not afford further expenses, Raju completed his degree graduation in State Government’s college and joined a private school as a teacher. His parents also died after some years. He was just living for the sake of living since then.
Kamala wakes Raju up. He and Chinnu go to school. While Raju is going through the text book in the staff room, a man comes towards him with a sweet box in his hand.
He gives a laddu to Raju and tells him that he joined the school as a new chemistry teacher. He introduces himself as Bhuvan. Raju’s face gets pale. Bhuvan also recognizes Raju. Bhuvan says to Raju that he can’t believe that he is working in a small private school as a teacher. He says he is the 3rd ranker from the top but he (Bhuvan) is the 3rd ranker from the last but now they are working in the same school. During the lunch break he asks Raju what has happened to him. Raju says after Class X he lost interest in the studies and his parents were also not in a position to afford his further studies. He says if he had had got the 1st rank he would have completed his graduation in a good institution and his life would have been totally different. He says the last 3 months of his Class X have turned his life upside down. Raju wipes off his tears. Bhuvan holds Raju’s hands and asks to forgive him. He says he came to his house that day whenSourabh’scar drivergave him Rs.1000 and asked him to disturb his studies by spoiling his mind. He says he didn’t foresee that it would have a devastating effect on him. He says Sourabh’s father might be the main person behind this as he wanted to see his son’s name on the School wall. Raju don’t speak. Bhuvan says he is in the Class X School watsapp group and he will add him in the group. Raju denies as he became a loser in the life. Bhuvan says Sourabh is also in the group and he is in the United States now working in Google. He tells Raju to directly ask sourabh in the WA group about the cheating planned by him & his father against himand he will also testify it. Raju asks Bhuvan to not to add him in the group as he can’t blame anyone but himself. He is the in capable person who can’t control his bad thoughts. Rajuputs his lunch pack back in the box without eating.
That night also Raju don’t eat anything. He is very angry on Sourabh’s family. He wants to teach them a lesson by reaching a better position than him. But what can he do now? He is bloody 38 years old. Which profession he has to choose now? How can he take risk now? He has a family dependent on him.He doesn’teven know what he has to do. He knows only one solution to come out of this sadness. He can be out of this cruel and cunning world for some time at least. He watches porn. This time little longer than his usual time as he badly needs it.After ejaculation, after so many days he cries like a baby. He thinks the time has come to bid adieu to his life and beat the merciless monster. He goes into the washroomwith a knife in his hand.
