“New year, new me.” I exhaled and said to myself,though loudly enough to be heard by Mr Husband.
“I can see that, Anu,”he remarked with a straight face.“But what’s new this year?”
“This year, I have decided on three resolutions, and I am going to follow them no matter what,” I claimed, spreading my yoga mat in the living room.
“Like every other year? Let’s see.” Mr Husband tittered.
“Yes, I will and you will see.” I started practising Kapalabhati, exhaling puffs of breaths.
“By the way, what are your three resolutions?”he asked,changing from a sitting position to a lying position on the couch.
I looked at him with derision and stopped breathing. I mean, I stopped Kapalabhati to answer his question. Maintaining my meditation pose, I replied, “One, I will not eat out. Two, I will eat only healthy food.”
“And?”
“What and?” I stretched and lay down in Bhujangasana.
“You said you had three resolutions.” He reminded me.
“Oh yeah, third, I will read a lot.”I lay down flat, getting into Shavasana. “By the way, do you have any resolutions this year?”
“Yeah, I decided on one, too. I will plan a nice romantic holiday for us this year.”
“Wow,” I mumbled and dozed off.
***
6th Jan 2021
Wednesday
7 PM
“Baby, why are you scrolling frantically on your phone forthe last thirty minutes?”
“Nothing, just some online shopping. Unable to decide if I should get it.” I wavered.
“If you need it, then take it. I don’t understand why such dilemma all the time.” Mr Husband shrugged, waving his hands in the air.
“Hmm.” I looked at him, then back to the phone, continued scrolling for a couple of minutes, tapped on a few buttons, locked the phone screen, and then again looked back at him. I grinned from ear to ear. “Thank you for helping me out. I was really having a hard time deciding for the last two days.”
“Oh,honey! You are welcome.” He sat next to me and we cuddled, watching TV.
After some time, Mr Husband caressed his tummy and asked, “What’s for dinner?”
Before I could respond, the doorbell rang. He got up and went to openthe door. I heard the door opening, followed by faint mumbles. It suddenly struck me that it was my online order, and I rushed towards the door.
“Hey,thanks for the delivery.” I grabbed the parcel and pushed Mr Husband inside.
“Enjoy your meal,” said the delivery guy and fled.
I came inside and opened the box of chicken biryani. The aroma was so tempting, I could not help but dig out a spoonful of rice and shove it in my mouth. ‘Mhmm.’ I relished it with closed eyes.
I was about to take another morsel when I saw Mr Husband standing in front of me, his hands on his hips. I raised my eyebrows, gesturing him to speak up.
“I thought your resolution wasnot to eat out?” He questioned,his hands making air quotes.
“Yes, and I am not eating out,” I explained.
“What? You just ordered a chicken biryani from a restaurant, breaking your resolution of not eating out.”
“Honey, my resolution was not to eat out.Right now, I ordered food and am eating inside the house. So, technically I am not eating out.”I brushed him off.
“Oh! I see. And what about eating only healthy food?”
“Chicken has a lot of proteins. Rice has carbs, and it provides energy. These things are vital nutrients for good health. So, technically this is healthy food.” This time I air quoted healthy food.
Mr Husband scoffed and raised his hands in fret but then smiled and sat on the chair next to me. We both munched on the scrumptious meal.
“Thank God, today I don’t have to gobble on those yucky salads made of so-called organic and exotic veggies,”he commented.
I simply smiled as I was unable to retort while chewing on a mouthful of chicken pieces.
“By the way, how is your third resolution going on?”
I don’t understand his problem. Instead of focussing on the yummy chicken biryani, he is quizzing me. Yet, I sipped some water and said, “Yeah, I am reading a lot these days.”
“Is it?But I didn’t see you with any books?”
I felt interrogated, but there was no way back. “I read on the phone.”
“Really! Did you get the Kindle app?”
“No, not on Kindle, another app.”
“Which is that?”
“WhatsApp.”
“What? What are you reading on WhatsApp?”
“A lot of WhatsApp messages. I don’t skip even a single message now.I read them all, even the lengthy forwards.” I affirmed my commitment towards my resolutions.
Mr Husband slapped his head and shook it in josh. I thought I should also check on his resolution. “So, how is the holiday planning going on?”
“Oh, I am so excited to tell you. I have planned a vacation to Australia.”
“Australia!” I was astonished.
“Yeah, I was planning Europe, but then flights are banned due to that new strain of COVID. So, I narrowed it down to Australia.”
“Wow, that is awesome. What’s the plan? How does the itinerary look?” I dropped my spoon on the plate in anticipation of an exciting vacation.
“The plan goes like this: first, we go to Melbourne, visit the Fitzroy Garden, Parliament House, Federation Square, and the Melbourne Cricket Ground.Then, we tour Phillip Island, drive on the Great Ocean Road, wander in the beautiful towns of Lorne and Apollo Bay,and check out the amazing 12 Apostles. Then wefly to Cairns, spend one full day on the Big Cat Green Island, and tour the Great Barrier Reef. After that, we move ahead to the Gold Coast, make way to the Sea World, and tour the Warner Bros Movie World. Then we fly to Sydney, explore the Sydney aquarium, ride to the Blue Mountains…” He paused to take a sip of water. “Then I have a surprise planned as well.”
“Surprise? What is it?” I demanded.
“If I tell, it won’t be a surprise.” He simpered.
“I won’t be able to handle the curiosity, pleasssse tell me now,” I pled.
“OK. OK. So, the surprise is, I will take you to the top of Sydney tower and…”
“And?” I raised my eyebrows,eagerly awaiting the next part.
“And…”
“And what?” I yelled with annoyance as he kept hedging. “Are you going to throw me down from there?”
“No,honey, you are my life. I cannever do that to you.”He smiled cheerily and pinched my left cheek. “I never proposed to you officially. So, I will be proposing to you, with a diamond ring, on Valentine’s day.”
“What? Really! Propose. Diamond Ring.” I was jumping in my seat with excitement.
“You like the plan?”
“Like it? I love it.” I clapped my hands in excitement. A sudden realization hit me at that instant, though. “Wait. Did you say Valentine’s day? We only have a month to arrange everything. I have a lot of shopping to do. We have to start organizing now. I will make the checklist. Have you booked the flights and hotels?”
“No.” He wrinkled his nose.
“Why? We have to do it now, or we won’t get good deals.” I stressed on now.
“That’s OK. I will plan for some other time then,”he replied coolly.
I was so displeased with the thought of the vacation getting cancelled.
“What is this, baby? It was your resolution to plan the vacation. How can you make resolutions that you can’t follow?”
“I followed my resolution. I said I will plan a vacation, and technically, I did.”
I gasped at him with wide-open eyes.
He shook his head and continued chomping on the biryani. “What happened, honey? Won’t you eat your outside,healthybiryaniinside? Or do you need to finishreadingyour WhatsApp messages before that? Come on. Follow your resolutions, technically.”
***
8th Jan 2021
Friday
9 PM
“I know, I know. I am sorry, Anu,”said Mr Husband ruefully.
“I can’t believe this. How could you do this to me?” I sat on the sofa, bristling with anger.
‘It was just one time, why is she making big a deal of it? Huh!’ He mumbled to himself.
“What? Speak louder, or don’t speak at all. Get off my face.”
“Listen,honey. I am sorry. I know I shouldn’t have done this, but you’ve been dozing off early everyday for the last seven days in the name of your healthy resolution.” He air quoted the word healthy. “So, I couldn’t hold myself back. I am so, so sorry.”
“Seven days, within seven days you lost it.” I was furious and sad at the same time.“It was a promise we made to each other and you could not keep it. I trusted you so much but you betrayed me.”I whined.
“It was just this one time. I couldn’t resist, but I promise I won’t repeat this.” He looked at me with penitent eyes.
“Was it so tempting that on weekdays you…. That, too,after I slept… how could you do that to me?” I just stared at him, and he stood there quietly. “And you were so smart in concealing your expressions. You didn’t even let me know what was going on under my nose.”
“You mean behind your back.”
“What?” I glared at him for his audacity to correct me at this graveinstant.
“In the sense, when you sleep, you turn over, and then what I do technically happens behind your back. I…on my phone…” he tried to explain,which made me even more waspish.
“Oh! Cut your technical crap, will you? Just go away.”
“Listen, Anu. Look, I am sorry. Anyway, you were not too keen to …”
“Oh! So, it’s me now. Was it fun without me?”
“Actually, it was,”he said, staring at the floor. “You talk too much when it’s on.”
“Now, you are pushing it too much.”
“I said I am sorry,”he said, looking at his toes.
“I know, initially I didn’t want to give it a shot because of the extreme action involved but later I had started enjoying it.” I ranted but he was still looking at his toes. Well actually, trying to scratch an old stain out of the carpet. “Are you even listening?”
“Erm. Yes.”
“Dammit, it was the season finale and you promised you wouldn’t watch it if I wasn’t around.”
“Technically, you were around. Snoring right next to me.”
I exhaled a long breath,thinking seriously about breaking his head.But then I gasped.What if he died? Lots of blood would be splattered, which I would have to clean. Alone. Then hide the murder weapon. And in case he was still left alive I would have to drive him to the hospital, get him bandaged. Too much work for a Friday night. I decided to give up the idea.
“For once stop your technical analysis and get serious, can you? We spent the whole last monthtogether watching all the seasons of Breaking Bad. So why did you not wait mere seven days for the final one? I had planned a binge-watching date tonight and you ruined it.”
“I am sorry. I shouldn’t have watched the show without you.” He brought his palms together near his chest.
“But you still did. Youtraitor! Huh.” I looked the other way.
“What can I do to make up for it?” He started to look around,then picked up the remote and handed it over to me. “Take this, select anything of your choice and I will watch it with you.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want any comments like… ‘Oh, this is bullshit’… while I am watching.”
“Nope, there will be none.” He enacted a zipper on his lips.
“Fine, let’s watch Kuch Kuch Hota Hai.” I started browsing Netflix.
“Why….” He started to oppose but I glared back at him. “.. not? Absolutely. Good choice. Honey,shall I pop some popcorns in the oven? I will get it for you right away.” He started to escape.
“Sitdown. We just had dinner.”
“Fine.” He surrendered and we started the movie.
Three hours later
In the end,as credits rolled on the screen, I looked at Mr Husband with teary red eyes. He was rubbing his temples with closed fists in between patting them as well. I could sense his flowing sentiments as the movie ended.
Quickly, I pulled out one tissue paper from the box lying on my lap and passed it to him while using the one in my other hand to wipe my tears. He looked at me empathetically, snatched the tissue paper from my fingers and blew his nose hard. And again, harder than the last time. Then he returned it to me.
I grimaced at the godawful snot sitting next to me while holding his snot-soaked tissue in between my thumb and index finger.He looked back at me and rolled his eyes.
“What a bullshit ending!”
“What? You promised there’d be no bullshit comments.”
“While you are watching.After the movie, I can.”There! He was getting into technicalities again.
“But why do you think so?” I asked,putting the used tissues away.“It was such a romantic story.”
But Mr Husband digressed from the topic and introduced another controversy by saying, “Look at that moron Rahul.Even the second time over he made the same mistake. He had a brilliant opportunity to run away, but no. He married again.Why would one do that when one knows what follows?”
“Hey! Hey! Hey! You are the grunting buffalo who I am unable to follow.” I said,irritated.
He nudged me with his elbow, “Ah! My poetess can craft a couplet even in anger!But don’t distract me with rhymes. As I was saying, the ending is fundamentally wrong.”
“How do you mean? It was such anemotional love story and such a beautiful, happy ending.” I looked at him, puzzled.
“Right, the story was syrupy, but the ‘happily ever after’theory is not true. Let me explain.” Mr Husband positioned himself like a sermonizing preacher. “Almost every day, you get vexed if you find the bathroom wet and messy.”
“What’s your point?” I questioned.
“I am coming to it. I bought a necklace on your birthday, but you exchanged it the same evening, saying it was expensive.But the replacement didn’t bring any refund.Instead, I paid additionally.”
“Hmm.” I recollected the ugly neckpiece.
“The other day, you were pissed because I brought parsley instead of coriander.”
“Because they are two different greens.”
“What difference does it make? It’s just green decor on the yellow lentil. Nobody knows its purpose, and anyways, it ends up getting churned in the stomach.”
“You are so disgusting.” I snorted.
“I have one more. Remember last night, you were maddened that I slept and you were still…”
“That was the night before last.” I corrected him.
“No, that night was great.” He patted my thigh and licked his lower lip. “It was one of the best.” He looked at me hungrily. “Just remember the restaurant from where you ordered that biryani. It was super yummy. I was so full I couldn’t stay up long after that bursting tummy load.” I made a face, but he continued. “OK, coming back to the point, last night as well, you were furious at me coz I slept while you narrated an annoying story of your cousin’s divorce.”
I just looked at him, nodding.Not really agreeing, just nodding.
“So, you see it’s a cliche. No one settles happily forever.” He waved his hands in the air and then clapped them once to confirm that he restedhis case.
“Would you wish to settle happily on this couch forever?”I asked him and stomped towards the bedroom.
“Now this is not fair.Every time you have no comebacks, you push me to the couch.”
“Fine. I won’t push you to the couch again if you promise you will not watch any shows without me on your phone Netflix app.”
“OK, I promise.” He raised his pinkie finger to confirm the deal of promise and crossed it with my pinkie finger.
“Let’s sleep now, I am tired, and it’s quite late.”
“Good night,honey. Sweet dreams,”he said and kissed my forehead.
“Good night,love.” I turned my back to him and got into my most comfortable position, snoozingwithin minutes.
***
9th Jan 2021
Saturday
I-don’t-know-what AM
I don’t know what time it was of the night, but I could feel the bed shaking. What, an earthquake? No. It stopped now. Maybe I was dreaming. No. The bed was shaking again. I opened my eyes and saw a dull light hovering somewhere behind me.And the bed was shaking again.
Frightened, I turned around. It was Mr Husband, jouncing and giggling, looking at his phone.
“What are you doing?” I snatched his phone, and could not believe my eyes!“You are watching this after I slept. You are such a…”
“Wait. Honey, I can explain.” He tried to calm me down.
“What are you going to say now? Here.” I flashed his phone to his face, looked at the time in my Fitbit watch, and went on. “It’s 1 AM. I can see you are watching Brooklynn Nine Nine. You couldn’t wait to watch it with me? You promised you won’t watch Netflix shows on your phone.”
“Hang on. I promised I will not watch anything on the Netflix app, and I didn’t.”
“What nonsense!”
“Look at the phone, it’s the Netflix website in Safari browser, not the app. Technically, I am not…”
I scrunched my face to avoid screaming, and before he could finish, I had pushed him down the bed.Before he had time to react, I got down from the bed, held one of his legs with both my hands and dragged him out of the room.
“Are you out of your mind? What are you doing? You promised you wouldn’t push me to the couch if you have no comebacks,”he pleaded.
“No,honey, I am not pushing you but dragging you to the couch. Technically, I am keeping my promise, too.” I left him midway in the passage lying on the floor, came back to the bedroom, and slammed the door shut.
And this waywe lived Happily‘Technically, Ever After!’
