In the Exosphere of the Planet Earth sat a judge,known when alive, by the doubly inappropriate name of Patience Drinkwater.
“Greetings, Newly Arrived,” said Patienceanda storm gathered around her Size 10 feet. “We are here this morning for the assignation of yoursouls either to an appropriate sphere or to a period of Penance.
She shuffled the papers on her lectern. “As some of us have other pressing engagements,”she said in an aside to the jury .“We shall have to make do with an eighty percent unanimity if necessary.”
There were four souls waiting in the dock and wearing a variety of masks. One bore a cat’s mouth drawn onto its whiteness, one was imprinted with the Stars and Stripes, one had a Ned Kellyishflavour and the other was white.
The judge pushed the curls of her wig off her face and cleared herlong throat.
“Your placement will be based on your behaviours and thoughts when alive andthere will be no appeals.”
The four in the dock might have been more disconcerted had not their attention had been taken by severalluminescentflashes from a hundredglass prismsthat descended fromthe courtroom ceiling.As they watched, a brilliant gold wing or fin appeared in each of the prism’s facets then disappeared.
“Level One, the Exosphere,which I occupy,is for thoseof uswho have been truly selfless when aliveand have placed their own needs second. “
“Few reach this sphere. Anyhow,we shall turn totoday’s cases – to be presented in not toofine detail, bar-maids and bar-gentlemen.”
From a row,perched on a wooden railing to the side of the bench, hopped the first barrister.He turned to the jury.
“My defendantis a rapist and murderer.”
“What?”roared Patience.“Murderers and rapists have been consignedwithout trial to the boiling magma within the depth of theplanet. There they will bubble, breathless, in the heat they deserve.”
“So be it,” said the lawyer.
As the guards led the murderer/rapistfrom the dock he turned to the lawyer and raised his middle finger, then turned to the reflections in the mirrors above and raised it to them as well.The reflections now resembled the bows of boats.
“So, who are today’s defendants? “
Aspritely girl, by the name of Eagerbeaverselfdeceiver, sportingshort mousy-colouredhair, a black suit and a crisp white shirt,strode to the parquet patch in front of the judge.
“This guy,” she said, indicating the first of the souls still remaining,“is guilty of I know not what.”
“Great start.”
“I don’t think that he thinks he is guilty of anything.”
“But you do?”
“Well, I don’t know.”
“Hmm,” breathed the Judge,“Are you the barrister for the defence or the prosecution?”
“Um,” said the young woman, then, “Your Speciousness, I hope you know that I have won this coveted internship in the trying of the Recently Dead, because of my lack of bias. I am culturally unbiased.”
“No one is.”
“Pardon?”
“Get on with it.”
“But I want the court and Jury to knowthis,Ma’am,
“They heard.”
She looked discouraged but continued. “Well, he is from a foreign culture- is “foreign” a permissible word, Your Speciousness?”
“Certainly.”
“And he is ahotchpot ofattributes and behaviours that I cannot categorise.”
She paused. “But all his perhaps reprehensible waysstem from his cultural background.”
“Taken.”
“My question is, can he be judged by anew set of lawsto which he was unaccustomed?”
“Give us the facts, Eagerbeaverselfdeceiver,”
“Okay. Squeejee, was to his own family, kind and generous.He gave himself energetically to help his own sons make progress and created jobs for them within the company – also for their wives, their wives’ brothers and friends of their wives.
“He was devoted to his own expatriate community. Even to those not from his own community, he was oftencharming.
“Squeejeeadmitted tohis collegemen with no English and no skills inreading or writing –at least,not in English. They were literate in their own languages.
“As it happened, Squeejeealso receivedthousands if not millions of dollars from the government of his new countryby enrolling these matesof his. But this, I emphasise,was not his primary motivation.”
“Mm?”
“Anyway, Squeejee’s chosen students would not have succeeded without the very detailedassistance of his team of educators who, following instructions, fed words into the mouths and writings of these would-be students.
“Andso,the students progressed. “
“Is thatit?”
“Not quite. The fact is that Squeejee was also a bully which (unbeknown to him) was actually illegalin his newfound land, and ifan educator dared to show a reluctance to write scripts for his protegees, he would instruct hertoclose her mouth or be removed from his staff.
“But the use of coercion, Your Speciousness, was notunacceptable in the culture (well,in thefamily, anyway) in which he grew up. “
Patience appeared to be getting hot under her wig;beads of sweat were appearing beneath the curls on her forehead
“Put him aside.”
“Time,” she added to the jury, “whether in light years or otherwise, is running out,” andshe beckoned to the thirdbarrister on the rail.
The barrister let herself down slowly, drew back her shoulders andin a resounding tone read from the papers in her hand.
“My defendant isNonintelligensia, who as a child, attended Sunday School dressed in a white voile dress trimmed with lace and patent leather shoes, andlearnt about the streets of Jerusalem strewn with Palms andof fishermen by the sea of Galilea.
“Athome, Nonintelligensiawas taught that the worst thing in the world was dishonesty and that the best was to do good.”
“Thus, in her younger years, Nonintelligensia donated liberally to the disadvantaged but when she wasseventy-four, found that her bank accounts were turning very red and decided that good works would do as wellas gifts of money(and, if she also made money for herself by helping, so much the better).
“Shegained a job (in the college of which Squeejee was the head and Dimwittia, another educator).
“Nonintelligensia,who had grown up when computers had filled the room with their size and knewlittle about the innards of the 2020 models,taught herself their tricks andlearnt to very quickly processwhat were at that time called assessments and to expedite her students’ progress to Satisfactory, Graduation, Employment and Permanent Residence.
“By not reading any of their contents, Nonintelligensia could mark papers very speedily and as she had never been very fast at anything (slow at reading, writing and running),Intelligensia found the work very satisfying.
“Students flocked to her classesand after sixth months of her employment the numbers of graduates from Squeejee’scollege hadmore than quintupled. Nine hundred and ninety-eight more new arrivals had gained the means to earn money to keep their families.
“Also quintupledwere the profits of that private tertiary college.
“But thenloomed the dreaded Government Audit and Nonintelligensia’s colleagues began to view her practicesas a threat to their livelihoods – itwas all very well to enhance the lives of the newly arrived, but what about their own?
“And soNonintelligensia was sacked.
“She was re-employed, however,whenSqueejeerealised that there was no one else quite dishonest enough among his educators to keep up the marking of the thousands of“pending”assessments,
“May we move to her penance?”called an intrepid Jury member.
“No,” said Patience. “We’ll have to put the decisionon this defendant’s penance in … abeyance.”
But, then, as Patience was rolling up her papers and securing them with a blue ribbon, thevoice of the Recently Dead, Nonintelligensia, sounded loud and clear across the court room.
“I would like to atone for my sins, Your Speciousness – now, if it is all the same to you.”
“What?”
“I wish to do a penance – now. “
“And what penance do you think will atone for your sins, Nonintelligensia?”
“Could you tell me some of the sentences of dead humans who have preceded me?”
“Youtell her,” said Patience to the fattest lackey.
“Okay. Well, there was this bronzed Aussi life-saver guy, Bruce, who insisted that his sexual partner should dress in a sparkling and very short tutu and tickle his private partswith her wand.”
A white cockatoo perched on the railing beside the barristers screeched loudly
“” …while he also wore a tutu, a sequined brazier and silver pointy-toed high heels.”
The cocky screeched again.
“And if they were out together (for she was continually arranging that she should run into him), and they happened to meet people of his acquaintance, images of her tickling his privates (anterior and posterior) would crowd his retina and hewould start to blush.
“With the result, that Bruce would never invite this girl to meet a friend or family member – although he had enjoyed her silvery caresses for twenty years.”
“Vile.”
“His sentence?” asked Intelligensia.
“His sentence was to return to the Planet Earth and attend church weekly wearing his tutu.”
“And did that curb his private desires?”
“No.”
“Oh. And is he still there – on Earth?” asked Intelligensia.
“Yes – but, last I heard, he was thinking of leaving.”
“Well, what happened to the girl?”
“She was placed in a clinic for the Ugly Depressed – they subdivided depressives in that Covid-19 decade, there being so many of them.”
“Oh.”
“Either that or she ended up marking papers for one of those shonky third-rate colleges.”
The loud cackling of a kookaburra sounded from somewhere behind the bench followed by four quick screeches of the white cockatoo.
“Well, you’ll have to wait your turn like everyone else. We do things fairly up here.” said Patience. “We have not yet heard the case of the third contestant.”
A third barrister, Calla Spada Spada, leapt energetically from the railing, spun in two rapid circles on her heel, then stood at attention in front of the Judge.
“What is your defendant guilty of?”
“Well, this woman, this woman is accused simply of …. Stupidity.”
“Good heavens!”
“Her name was Dimwittia and although she might have been born with a brain as good as any other by the time, she reached her middle years she was an idiot.”
“The evidence?”
“Well, in any account she made there was no resemblance to the facts.”
“Did the ignorance of this Stupidia …”
“Dimwittia, your Speciousness.”
“Did it cause damage, hurt anyone?”
“Maybe, but what is important is just the enormous distance between what she stated and the actual truth.”
“Tell us of anydamage, please.”
“Okay. There was this lad, Unfortunate, whom Dimwittia, with not even the faintest wisp of relevant knowledge, diagnosed as having dyslexia and proclaimed this far and wide. He was returned by the Department of Immigration to the country of his birth, a failure.”
“Okay.”
“And is that the end of him?”
“Not exactly. He bore some ill will towards the simpleton whose actions led to his “deportation”.
A lackey made a note or two on his tablet.
“But, “said the barrister, “the damage wrought by this woman is just a side effect of her propensity for uttering total bullshit.”
Patience sneered and took a sip of Scotch.
“I suggest you re-read your college texts, lass. Revise “Clogging the Atmosphere with Poppycock, Slobber and Crap,” and you will find that bullshit is not a punishable offence – unless the damages it has wrought cannot be traced to other factors as well. “
“Your Speciousness,” protested Calla Spada Spada, “this earth person must be judged for the suffocating deluge of non-facts she spat forth.”
“Maybeso, but we will put her on hold for the time being,” said the Judge who was beginning to show those familiar signs of a desire for more Scotch.
She spoke again.“Is it a co-incidence that we have these three defendants springing from the same detailed reference on the Melways grid at the same moment?”
“They died at the same time.”
“But why did they die at the same time?”
“It is not in our job description to look into that,” said Calla Spada Spada.
“Whose then?”
“Someone else’s.”
“Hmph.”
The lackey with the tablet put up his hand eagerly. “Please, Your Speciousness, it is not in my job description either, but I’ll willingly make it so,” and he cantered out.
. “Could I have my penance?” asked Nonintelligensia again.
” You could just remain here and watch videos of your earthly self forever and ever amen,” decreed Patience after very little thought.
More screeching.
“But that would be so dull and tedious!”
“Exactly. “
A lackey bowed so low that the oil on his nose made a greasy spot on the parquet. “Excuse me for interrupting, Patience, but she could be reincarnated.”
“No! “expostulated Nonintelligensia.
“Why not?” agreed Patience. “And in her new reincarnated form she will read every word of her students’ answers, mark them NYS and ask them to resubmit, whereupon she will read them again.”
Nonintelligensia’s heart sank.
“When not at work, ´ Patience continued, “she will spend her time unloading the dishwasher and filling in forms sent to her by government departments. Once these have been answered and dispatched, they will be returned to her and she will have to fill them in again.”
Nonintelligensia drooped.
“Actually, “added Patience, “she will return to this court in no time at all, (as a consequence of her knowledge of useful drugs), but this time will join the end of a long queue of uninteresting cases to be consigned to the Mesosphere, the Sphere of the Unremarkable. “
Then, quite suddenly, in a blaze of light and trumpets, a brilliant chariot, pulled up on the parquet. The figure was Phaeton and his chariot was drawn by a team of winged and gloriously golden horses.
He motioned surreptitiously to Nonintelligensia and bent down towards her. “There is another option,” he said in a low sensuous growl. “But you’ll need to take a risk.”
“What risk? “
“Do you really expect me to tell you that?” chuckled Phaeton and flicked the backs of his horses neatly.
Nonintelligensia demurred.
“Well, “Phaeton declared “You can endure your tedium if you like.”
“Tedium!” he chortled.
Still she demurred but eyed his golden horses wistfully. However, within the space of two seconds, Phaeton gave another flick of the reins and his winged horses rose into the vacuum above and disappeared
Nonintelligensia turned to Patience to accept her penalty, her heart heavy with the monotony to follow.
Slowness, repetition and redoing.
Then as suddenly as he had disappeared, Phaeton descended again outside the door of the courtroom and pulledhis gleaming horses again to a stop.
Nonintelligensia, all remorse thrown to the gaseous vapours surrounding her, sped after the chariot and jumped on.
Dimwittia and Squeejee seeing her tried to do the same but were deftly removed by the sandalled toe of Phaeton
The chariot rose towardssome place beyond the highest sphere.
The lackey with the tablet returned.
“I have it!”
“Have what?”
“The answer”
“What answer?”
“They took a substance that a former student of Dimwittia, Unfortunate, had that morningtold her about on Facebook, saying that it would increaseher intelligence quotient substantially.”It was very unfortunate that Dimwittia had forgotten this student altogether.
Patience looked bemused.
“Well in the case of Squeejee andDimwittia their IQ was already high and could not be much further improved.
“The extra points it gave Squeejee’s only made him wretched as his English improved and he flickedthrough a summary of legislation passed since 1900. Dimwittia decided not to use hers at all and, while the substance jumped Nonintelligensia up from a rather surprising low,she seemed to be undecided about future changes.
“Anyway, all three expired within a week of taking the substance – and that is the answer to your question, Your Speciousness.”
“What question is that?”
“So,my candidatecan be acquitted on the basis of ignorance of the law,” proclaimed Eagerbeaverselfdeceiver
“Ignorantia juris non excusat,” said Calla Spada Spadapiously.
“You are right. Well, give him a reincarnation and return him to his position of manager where he can do an honest job.”
Squeejee foresaw the foundations of his college caving in and looked very doleful. He saw lists and lists of regulations in small print and his college campus emptied of students and staff. His bank accounts were also empty
However, he was not be granted the dignity of choice. His soul disappeared from the dock in an instant and down he went.
Followed soon after by Dimwittia, unenlightenedand unchanged.
“If you ask me,” grumbled Calla Spada Spada, “my candidate, Dimwittia, has got it kind of easy.”
“This place is a bit backward,” whispered the lackey with the tablet. “As she said, Bullshit is not yet a punishable offence.”
And what of Nonintelligensia, you ask.
Well, Nonintelligensia felt sad as she looked out on the expanse of recently and less recently dead awaiting judgement butas soon as Phaeton introduced her to some of the livelier ones, she began to be feel electrified. She was sparking out all over …. until she noticed Phaeton’s tutu.
It sparkled and glittered and his slim sandals were encrusted with diamonds.
He turned his head back to her, grinned andheld outtowards her a wand. Nonintelligensia’s battery went flat. The fields of the waiting dead began to crowd in on her and it seemed that even carbon emissions were filling her nostrils.
But then with a broader grin and an even louder loud laugh, Phaeton flipped the wand so that it spun and spiralled out into the nothingness and disappeared.
They sped on.
