Dear Surekha,
It felt good to read that you have settled down in your domestic life. It takes time to come to terms with change, especially a radical one such as marriage where a young girl has to change her name, her family and home for the rest of her life.
I know that two months ago, it was heartbreaking for you to get married against your wishes. God knows how painful that was for me as well. Don’t hold this against your parents; they wanted the best for their daughter. They couldn’t imagine seeing the one born in the lap of luxury living in a tiny one-room apartment. You will understand them one day when you become a mother yourself.
Do not take your frustrations out on your husband. Rohan seems to be a good man from whatever you have told me. Not many men will give their wives the time and space to adjust to a new relationship the way he has. You are lucky to have him.
As for me, I am not going anywhere. I will always be there for you. I will continue to send you an email every day for the rest of my life and wait for your reply. We can meet whenever you want me to.
I miss you. Will wait for your reply.
Keep smiling always.
Yours forever
Mohit
Year 3
Dearest Surekha,
Congratulations on receiving the greatest gift in the world! I was in seventh heaven to know that you are now a mother to a cherubic girl. I am sure that she has gone after you.
I was anxious in the last two days when I didn’t hear from you. Yes, I know, you were admitted. But reading your emails is a daily habit now. You know the feeling one gets when one doesn’t brush one’s teeth or take a bath? Something in my life was missing. Thank you for filling in the blanks once again.
Getting overwhelmed for a new mother is normal. And you don’t have to feel guilty to think that the baby has taken over your whole life. You are a human first and a mother next. The thought that a tiny new life will be the focal point of any decision you make from hereon can be daunting. But as the baby sleeps peacefully in your arms and calms down after your feed, your fears will give way to joy. Be patient, as you always are, and enjoy your motherhood.
I also have some good news to share. I have got an offer today to join as the foreman of the Jamshedpur plant, with meals and accommodation included in my compensation package. Will be leaving for the city by the end of this week. Finally, I will move to a decent-sized house. Wish that this would have happened three years back. But then I should not regret it. I am sure that you are happy for me, and I am delighted with your happiness.
I look forward to sharing the joys of your parenthood with you.
Yours
Mohit
Year 10
Hi,
It has been five days since I have heard from you, the first time this has happened. Please don’t punish me like this. I know that now you are a mother of two and have many responsibilities. I don’t expect long mails every day, but certainly, you can find time to pen two lines for me!
I am not able to concentrate on anything. Everything appears bleak without you. For the first time in ten years,I feel you are not mine, and it is heartbreaking. I don’t know how to live.
Are you angry because I said No to your suggestion of getting married to someone else? If this is the cost of my decision, then I don’t want to pay it. Please write to me. I promise you that I will start looking for the right girl to settle down with.
If I don’t get a reply from you, I will book my flight for Ahmedabad tomorrow and come to see you there. Think of whatever excuse you can to inform your husband. I don’t care.
Well, I do, actually. You know it. Please reply to me.
Yours
Mohit
***
Dear Surekha,
Thank you for replying to my email. I slept staring at the phone, waiting for your email. I was overjoyed to find your reply in my Inbox when I woke up.
So, I was right. You were angry. Now that I have heard from you, your fury seems cute. I want to express my love for you, but will not. We had agreed on certain boundaries when you got married, and I will not break them.
Yes, my dear. I will start searching for a suitable girl for marriage. Before taking the final plunge, I will take your opinion. You will know what is right for me. The final decision of who I get married to will be yours.
Thank you, my dear, once again.
Yours ever grateful
Mohit
Year 12
Dear Surekha,
Finally, after opening my profile on multiple apps and dating a few girls, I have found someone interesting enough to meet for the third time. She has extreme views on the world and is sometimes stubborn in her opinions, but can be equally patient when listening to others. She works as a journalist with Jamshedpur’s leading Hindi newspaper. You know that I prefer independent working women, and had always told you that you will work after we get married. But why am I going back to the past?
She is tall, just like you, though a little bit on the heavier side. She has a dusky complexion, deep-set almond eyes, and short step cut hair. I find her pretty, though not as beautiful as you, of course. There, I am coming back to you again.
I am attaching a snap of her for your eyes only. The picture is slightly unclear. I took it in a hurry when she wasn’t looking. I know you will not approve, but when we agreed to meet for the third time, my first thought was to introduce her to you.
Tell me,how does Natasha look and sound to you?
Yours
Mohit
Year 16
Hi Surekha,
Had you not mentioned it, I would not have realised that your firstborn is a headstrong teenager now. If she is anything like her mother, she is a generous, kind-hearted and warm person who goes out of the way to help strangers in need. Remember, that is how we had first met twenty years ago? I had fallen down exhausted from the duties at the Café Coffee Day outlet where you had come with your friends. What a royal mess I had made of the order near your table! The manager would have fired me, but for your intervention. Later, when I was clearing away the table, you spoke to me so kindly before leaving. I had never experienced such kindness from a stranger before. I fell in love with you at that moment. Oh, my Suru. Those were the days.
I am glad to know that you are helping Rohan withhis new business. Rohan has taken a bold step in setting up his business on the side while continuing with the job. It will be double the work and incredibly crazy during the initial days, and he will get an able helping hand in you.
I am happy with my work here. The Plant is almost like family, and I am relishing my new roles and responsibilities as the Plant Head here. The location is also very near Natasha’s office.
It has been two years since Natasha and I got married, four years since we have known each other. Thank you for your insistence! Natasha is a good companion. I have no complaints- the only regret is that you two haven’t met.
Honestly, I don’t understand why we can’t meet along with our families now. Our better halves need not know everything about our past. We can be friends, can’t we? Your reluctance is slightly annoying for me. Do reconsider, dear.
Natasha is calling me now; we are going out to a friend’s party. I will see you tomorrow.
Bye for now.
Yours
Mohit
Year 20
Dearest Suru,
I am feeling alone in the crowd today. The bright world outside my cabin’s window mocks me; the gentle breeze pierces my wounded heart. Once again, the one I love has left me.
Natasha left our home today morning. I have alluded many times to you about the troubles in our marriage. She couldn’t come to terms with the fact of not being able to have a child. This didn’t matter to me, but she was increasingly obsessed with it.
Earlier today, during a conversation, shesuddenly went into a rant about an empty life without children and how she is an incomplete woman and a failed wife. I tried to pacify her, but Natasha packed her bags and left, saying she couldn’t bear to face me anymore. The fault is not mine,the result doesn’t bother me, and yet I am the one getting punished!
This reminds me of the day twenty years back when you conveyed your decision of not going against your parent’s wishes and left my house, never to set foot again.
You never looked back, Suru, to find me slumped on the floor. You never knew that I had to be admitted to the hospital due to panic and anxiety attacks. You have always thought I wasn’t talking to you until a few days before your marriage because I was in a rage. No, the truth was that I was too ill to speak. I wished I was dead, like I am hoping now.
Why didn’t you run away with me, Suru? Your parents would have come around with time. I haven’t done too bad for myself, have I? I would have done even better with you at my side.
Then you forced me to marry when I was perfectly fine to live with your memories. Natasha isn’t you, but with time, in a way that was different from my feelings for you, I had started to love her. Now she is also gone.
What have I done to deserve this heartache twice in one lifetime? I want to rest my head in your arms and bawl loudly. But you are not here.
Why did you do this to me, Suru?
Yours unfortunate
Mohit
***
Dear Surekha,
Thank you, thank you and thank you.
Your prompt one-line revert – “TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER”- to my long lament of woehas saved my marriage. While I selfishly berated you, you continued to be yourself.
I realise now that I had never told Natasha that I loved her. Not while we dated, not during our long marriage. You know that it was she who had proposed to me; if she hadn’t, I would have probably gone on dating forever!
After reading your email, I immediately Whatsapped, ‘I love you, please come back,’ to her. She was waiting for me outside the front door when I reached home. I discovered today that she had always thought that I had married her out of some compulsion.She felt that I didn’t love her and will be all the more miserable without children. Hence, she had left.
Poor thing. I was too preoccupied with my own commiserations to notice that Natasha was lonely in our marriage. Instead of being the sinned one, I am the sinner.
How well you understand my near ones, Suru!You have never met or spoken to Natasha, and yet, through my words, you have discerned her better than me.
Allow me to say something that I haven’t in the last twenty years. I love you, Suru. Yes, I love Natasha, and I will make it a point to reinforce it to her. But you have a special place in my heart. I remember my promise not to utter these words to you after your marriage, but one sin is permitted in a lifetime.
It is only in these words that I can express my gratitude to you. I will never repeat these words to you again in this life,but the sentiment will stay with me even in another world.
Thank You
Mohit
Year 25
Dear Surekha,
Happy marriage anniversary to Rohan and you. 25 years is a lifetime. That you have completed this milestone speaks volumes of the bond that you both share. I wish you many more years of happiness and togetherness. Can’t wait for the Golden Jubilee!
I understand that you are feeling strange with the nest empty, as you call it. I can hear the silence in your home with your daughter starting to work in Delhi and your son away in the engineering college. Children grow up so fast. Life is all about cycles. You can be proud of raising good kids. Now sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labour.
You and Rohan have more time to yourselves now. Now that Rohan’s business is well established, travelling and seeing the world would be a good idea. You know that Natasha and I make it a point to travel twice a year. The experiences have made us intellectually richer. We have become more broad-minded and open in our outlook. Your world has been confined to Ahmedabad; it is time to expand your horizons.
In fact, why not our two families travel together to someplace in the upcoming winter? We need to interact beyond the realm of the digital world now.
I sincerely hope for an affirmative reply.
Regards
Mohit
Year 30
Surekha,
Natasha has left me forever today. For three years, she fought her cancer like a tigress. Eventually, the disease got the better of her. She died in my arms, smiling, an hour ago.
Her face was glowing. She looked so serene and calm with the ceaseless pain behind her.
She was worried about me. One of the last things she asked me was, ‘What will you do without me?’ I didn’t have an answer. I still don’t. Please enlighten me if you do.
I am in the hospital. Doctors are saying that I will get the body in half an hour. Natashahas become a body now.
I am alone amidst the crowd of my colleagues and friends. I wish that you were here with me.
Mohit
***
Hi Surekha,
Thank you for your insistence two months ago that I come to Auroville. This thinly populated place, home to people of 140 nationalities, has given me much-needed peace.
I am staying in an Ashram and do Seva in their kitchen every afternoon and evening. In the early morning, I do yoga, followed by walks in the organic vegetable garden. I often help the Ashram owner to pluck vegetables. Late afternoon, after completing my Seva, I go to Matrimandir daily and soak in the surroundings.
The past two months have given me the emotional resilience to be with myself. Although Natasha’s void will never be filled, my mind has adapted to her physical absence.
You have stood by me like a rock during this journey. Ever since Natasha died, you have been writing to me two-three times a day to check about my well-being. The note you wrote to me immediately after I apprised you of her demise was so full of empathy. It seemed that you had also experienced the passing away of a loved one. That helped me to let out my emotions freely. I don’t know what I would have done, but for that email!
Then, I don’t know how you knew that Auroville would be the right place for me. You, who haven’t stepped a foot out of Ahmedabad, knew the effect that this out-of-the-world place will have on me. You know me so much, Surekha.
We have seen so much in this life and have faced everything together despite being apart. You have always been my mentor and guide. Now I want one more piece of advice from you.
I have to resume work in a week. I don’t want to; the thought of leaving Auroville fills me with dread.
Here, amidst, I feel at home. What do I have in Jamshedpur now, except a two-storey building that houses all my material possessions?
After a long time, I feel complete here in Auroville. Should I stay back here or return?
Let me know, please.
Yours
Mohit
Year 35
Dear Surekha,
Our dreams have turned into reality. I am now the Chief Executive Officer of my unicorn startup firm. Yes, I clinched the funding with Tiger Global today afternoon at the valuation that I had quoted. I am feeling on top of the world. A lot of credit goes to you.
You were very perspicacious when I wrote to you five years ago asking if I should stay back in Auroville. You rightly mentioned that I was in an escapist frame of mind, and takingsuch a decision in a grieving state may not be sustainable.
I was angry with you then, Suru. But I also trusted you. So, despite my reluctance, I heeded your advice. I am glad I did.
With your encouragement, I started my wellness and grief healing services on the side. Who would have thought there would be so many takers for my services in a city like Jamshedpur?
My Services transformed into a Business within a year, and I quit the Plant to become a full-time business owner. My revenues are in six figures now. You pretty much know the story; indeed, you are an integral part of it.
Apart from the support and encouragement, your business acumen made all this possible for me. I know that you and Rohan work together in his business, but I was pleasantly surprised by your roadmap on Market Mapping, Segmentation, and Pricing cum Packaging of the services. Your emails on the subject were like an MBA masterclass; you should consider publishing them sometime.
Words are inadequate to express my gratitude. But I will try, in person.
Yes, Surekha, I will be coming to Ahmedabad next week. I have some business meetings lined up there, and I will not leave the town without meeting you.
I don’t want to listen to any excuses. For thirty-five long years, we have been together without meeting or speaking to each other. From a young bride, you have blossomed into a grandmother. Both your children do not stay in the city. Rohan is an understanding and loving husband. In any case, I am not going to introduce myself as your ex-boyfriend!
I could be an old friend of yours, which indeed I am, to Rohan. You have nothing to fear.
Besides, I really want to see you. I am getting old. I don’t know if I will get a chance again.
See you next week, Surekha.
Yours
Mohit
***
Dear Mohit,
I am Rohan. You know me as Surekha’s husband.
We have never met, but I know you well. Not only as Surekha’s former boyfriend, but also as a person. I have been writing to you daily over the past 25 years from Surekha’s email id. I would have continued our email exchanges for as long as I lived, but you have left me with no other choice.
Our Surekha passed away 25 years ago. Do you remember the instance when she didn’t write to you for five successive days? That was the period when her soul departed this world. She had suffered from complications after the birth of our second offspring. Her health continued to deteriorate after she came home. One fine day she collapsed. I took her to a hospital, and doctors did their best to save her. But she passed away three days later.
While in the hospital, amongst other things, she spoke to me about you. About your relationship before marriage and the subsequent clandestine daily emails. She had begged for my forgiveness. I was not sure if there was anything to forgive. Was her relationship with you an Emotional Infidelity? She was a good wife to me and a mother par excellence to our kids. I loved her. Had she recovered, I would have spoken to her and understood what she wanted. Alas, I never got that chance.
During her dying moments, she told me to inform you about her demise. “Gently, please. I know it will be difficult for you. However, Mohit won’t be able to survive the blow. So, you have to break the news to him with tact and empathy.”
Well, I didn’t care for tact and empathy then. My wife had died, and I had no strength and desire to placate her former boyfriend about the same.
With the password she had provided me, I had logged into her email account all those years ago, intending to drop you a one-line email and close her account. She wasn’t on any social media platform, so only her emailswere to be taken care of.
Out of curiosity, and I admit more than a bit of jealousy, I found myself reading through all your emails. The devotion that you two shared touched my heart. I became a party to your forbidden love, and my jealousy melted away.
I was missing Surekha. Relatives and friends avoided speaking about her in my presence when all I desired was to talk about her. I wanted to keep her close to me. Forever.
Our common loss forged an affinity between us, though you never knew it. In those emails, I saw my chance to discuss about Surekha with you. Before I could think twice, I composed a reply to your mail and hit the send button.
The first month, every day that I logged in to her mail, I told myself that I will stop the charade and let you know the truth. Then I saw that you are pushing yourself on the path to marriage at my(Surekha’s) insistence. I thought it would be better to break the news to you once you have a life partner. Time passed, and I stopped finding excuses.
These emails have become a habit, a way of life for me. I don’t know how I would have survived the initial days without Surekha had it not been for your emails. Bringing up two infants as a single father was a lot of hard work. I had to look after my business also. I looked forward to de-stress by reading your emails after a long day.
Mohit, after twenty-five long years, I have started to like you for the man you are, and not only as someone who keeps Surekha’s memory alive for me. I have rejoiced in your successes and motivated you during the failures. I could feel your pain when Natasha passed away. I myself had gone to Auroville three years after Surekha’s death to get some peace. I am glad that it worked for you.
I was happy with our covert relationship all these years. But I realise that nothing will stopyou from meeting Surekha in Ahmedabad. So,it is time for me to come clean.
I would be happy if you drop by our home. We can go through Surekha’s old photographs and relive her memories over a bottle of wine. I would equally understand if you decide not to come. After all, Surekha isn’t here, and nothing would bring her back.
Stay strong, my friend. You are doing well.
Wherever Surekha is, she is happy to see both of us move forward in life.
I will close Surekha’s Gmail account today after sending this email. My phone number and email id are mentioned in the signature below.I would like to be in touch with you. I will respect your decision if you decide not to.
Your friend (I hope)
Rohan
