“This is my story. In fact, this is our story, right?”
“Right.”
“Right.”
Around six that evening, when the doorbell rang, Ishaan was busy getting things ready for the evening’s party. Wondering who had turned up so early, he grumpily went to the door. It was Anwar. “I’m here to help you,” he said with a smile. “How much can you possibly do all by yourself?” Holding forward a single rose that had a long, slender stalk, he bowed dramatically. “Congratulations. For now, you could stop being jealous,” he sneered. Ishaan knew that the emphatic ‘all by you’ was hardly intentional, but it bothered him.
I stood there staring into Anwar’s big brown eyes with a hint of orange in them, it was the most attractive pair of eyes I have ever seen and one could just stare at them and wish to be lost in them forever. Anwar was six inches tall, with a body of an athlete and always looked like one of those Gucci or Versace models on his way to slay on the runway of a fashion show. His ways were always different from others, he knew how to make amends and revive spark in a relationship. Not that we were in a relationship or anything like that. We were just friends and neighbours, since we first joined Langley High Secondary School as fifth graders. It was a sunny day and I still clearly remember that I was crying and trying to convince my parents not to send me to school. The fact that I remember something which happened more than sixteen years ago is because I am doomed with good memory. I remember everything and that is my curse. My parents tried convincing me that I would be fine and I would make lots of friends like I did at my last school (which let me tell you is a complete and utter lie because I never made any friends in my last school. It was awful, that is why my parents shifted me to LHSS) and it would be the best first day ever. But I knew it wasn’t going to be, because I was different from all of them. Dad shoved me outside, away from mom, and as he was opening the car door to for me to get in, that was the first time I saw Anwar. His big brown eyes caught my attention and suddenly I felt that may be this day could indeed get better in some way. It was seven years ago, on a Sunday night that Anwar and his mom had moved in. As they moved here in the middle of the night which I found a little strange, because the movers and packagers always deliver stuff during daytime as it is more convenient for them as well as for the people, My dad offered to take Anwar with us, and that was the start of the beautiful friendship we have, which I ruined by fighting with him over a not so important, silly girl, Zoë.
I have always been open about my sexuality, views and my pronouns. I came out when I was twelve years old, I know bold move at such a ripe age, but I really was sure about myself and I did not identify as a straight twelve year old guy. Although, I came to the realisation or you might say revelation much later that I was bisexual. My parents always knew that I was different, but they never thought that me being different would mean me being Gay. I had Anwar by my side when I confessed, so my parents always thought that I was in love with Anwar and was obsessed with him. I definitely was obsessed with Anwar, but love? Eh, I don’t know, maybe. I mean he was a high school sweet heart. I decided that I won’t hide my sexuality and who I am because of some immature high school kids and their opinions. So, I started correcting people, telling them my pronoun and you know just being open about myself, and honestly I don’t remember it being that bad. Maybe it wasn’t the type of criticism I expected to come my way, maybe kids were mature or maybe they were just afraid of Anwar beating their asses up. Every single girl of Langley High Secondary School had a crush on him and fantasized about him, I was no different except for the fact that I was a guy and gay and so I adored him. He really was that charming, but I never confessed about me having a crush on him, because I thought it would ruin our friendship and would put us in a weird zone, because he was by all means Hetero and dated so many hot girls. But he also was extremely possessive about me. We practically grew up together. Every single guy was afraid of him, so making fun of me would mean taking up a fight Anwar and nobody wanted that.
“What? Now you suddenly want to help me. Thank you for the rose. Come on, in.”
“Thank you for accepting my apology and of course I want to help my best friend throw the best graduation party this town has ever seen.”
“Was that an apology? It sounded more like a taunt and sarcasm mixed together and thrown at my face.” (I could feel my heart pounding heavily, my brain had already forgiven him, why are you so beautiful, you son of a goddamn beautiful mother).
“Oh! Come on now Ishaan, okay let’s have a deal. We will talk about it after this party gets over okay? And till then we will act maturely and not spoil the best night of our lives, probably the last together”
“Okay, deal!”
“Cool! Let’s just start by making a cocktail for us and then I will order pizza, while you will order booze and hang the disco ball”
“I miss mom and dad. I wish they were here to see their son graduate and go to Yale or Princeton or maybe Oxford. About that, did you hear anything from any of them?”
Anwar was preparing himself to tell Ishaan that he got into Yale. He scored a place in Yale through his brilliant and breath-taking sport skills. He never figured it would be so difficult to actually say it in front of Ishaan especially, when he was still on hold for Yale. So, he decided to withhold the information until after the party. Anwar always have had a soft spot for Ishaan, they practically lived their whole lives together. So, telling Ishaan about Yale was as difficult as solving a math problem, more than that really. Ishaan have always kept Anwar on his toes. He was the brains and Anwar was basically the prom king, the captain of the football team and let us just say, the charmer, the heart-breaker and one of the guys you always fall for or have a crush on or just want them to be your trophy boyfriends, the one you go around showing off to people. Yeah, he was pretty much a perfect guy. They fought rarely, but it was never over a girl. This time it was which made it a little different from other fights.
“Ummm… no, no I didn’t. Let’s not think about that okay? Let us just enjoy this night to the fullest.”
“Yeah, yes you are right.”
Anwar and Zoë had been going out for a while after they were crowned prom king and queen. I was okay with it, because I was also dating Sophie and I never interfered in Anwar’s dating life, because we were friends and Anwar didn’t know about my massive crush on him which was increasing day by day, so basically the dating who and why part was beyond the friend boundary, until Zoë started to mess with our friendship. In fact, it was the first time that a girl was causing problems between us, because Anwar was not the type of guy who stuck around with the same girl for more than a month and he made that pretty clear to the girls he dated. So, it wasn’t that he was a fuckboy, he just didn’t believe in relationships or the concept of marriage even and the reason behind this was his parent’s broken marriage.
***
They partied the night away. Ishaan was so wasted that he didn’t realise what he was going to do, will totally change his life, forever. Around one, he took the mic to propose a toast, but instead he ended up proposing Anwar.
“It’s not every day that you realise you are actually in love with a person whom you have known your entire life. Who knows that you miss your parents and has shared his mother’s love with you, who knows that you are scared of failing in life and not getting into the university you are aiming to, so he never tells you that he got into Yale because he thought that it would upset you. No silly, I am so proud of you instead. And yes, Sara told me. Anwar, I am so happy that we became neighbours, I am so happy to know you and Sara and her famous Kebabs. But please tell Sara I cannot be her son, she cannot adopt me, because that would mean us being brothers and it grosses me out because I cannot be related to a person I am so in love with since the fifth grade. I love you Anwar, I have loved you since we were twelve. I have loved you since the first day I saw you. We are so similar and yet so different from each other. Like we both love One Direction, but you will never accept that publicly and I on the other hand will karaoke my night in front of thousands of people singing One direction songs. We both love white scones, right? And to make this more embarrassing for me, I will literally sing a song for you, because that’s how much I adore you Anwar Devereux Rai.”
Yes, I said that. I freaking said that. I not only proposed Anwar, but I used my middle and last name along with his first freaking name. I legit made him my husband. Devereux was my mother’s last name, she was a Christian by faith and my father was a follower of Hinduism. It was love at first sight. Although, they had different faiths, but they never forced me to choose one. I was as much a Christian as I was a Hindu. Now, I made my best friend an amalgamation of three faiths and we don’t even date. But this was just the death me and my self-respect. Funeral came when I started singing 18, by One Direction.
Again, yes I not only sang but I changed the lyrics and made it about Anwar and me. How the hell, I got so drunk. We once talked about how Harry and Louis were perfect for each other and how they so are meant to be together. We were Larry Stylinson for sure.
“I don’t know why they hesitate in coming out, I mean I get it, it’s scary but, it’s sometimes worth it.”
“Maybe, they are just afraid of what people will think, Ishaan. I think they do love each other, but maybe one of them is a tad more scared than the other is.”
Maybe that was the case. Maybe he was my Louis and he was a tad more scared than I was. Or maybe it was just in my head, like Larry Stylinson Fan theories are.
***
After the grand proposal I collapsed from the couch and fell unconscious on the floor and that, my friends, is how our graduation night party ended. I woke up around two in the afternoon and my head hurt like hell and every embarrassing act came rushing back to me and I wanted to drop dead that second, but I also wanted to know what Anwar thought and what his reaction was. Human brain is so full of shit really. Anwar, on the other hand was up all-night, stress cleaning the house. How did I know? Well, as I declared in my proposal, we knew each other very well. Whenever Anwar felt stressed, he cleaned. Let me tell you, the house was so clean, it was even cleaner than the time when in seventh grade someone bullied us for being Asian (although we technically are not, but seventh graders are stupid and well, they are kids, just projecting their anger onto someone else) and he was also taunted for following Islam. It was racism at its best. I just got so furious about it, because I saw his face, I knew how hurt he was, so I literally pulled my bag, swung it around and hit the kid with it. We both got suspended for like a week, but we were as hell proud that we stood up against bullying. He stressed cleaned the house that day too, and today it was cleaner. My heart rate was going up. When he heard me moving, he came into the room with a pain killer. I looked at him with a confused look.
“Hey! Were you here all night?”
“Yes, here pop some pain killer and you will not feel bummed!”
“Yes, thank you. My head is spinning like a giant Ferris wheel. What did I really do?
“Yes, you fell from the couch after proposing and well… you said everything that you wrote down. It went well.”
“Okay, I think I should probably rest. So, see you at dinner okay?”
“Yeah, please dress up and come because mom wants to throw a little dinner party for us. See you!”
***
Ishaan was fifteen years old when his mom and dad went to see his paternal grandmother, who was severely ill and never returned. This happened just one day before Ishaan’s birthday. It was an eight hour and forty-seven minutes drive to Ridgewood Manor 54 Avenue, Langley City from 9147 Gay Street Fort Langley, where Ishaan’s family lived. It proved to be fatal and changed Ishaan’s life forever. Ishaan, after funeral service, sat alone in the house which now looked so huge and cold, he felt lonely. Anwar was beside him and was ready to hug him whenever Ishaan decided to let out and speak. But he didn’t and they slept. Sara always treated Ishaan like her son but Ishaan always associated Sara’s presence with his own mother. But when Sarah asked him to move in with them, he had to decline,
“I really want to live in my parental home Sara. I appreciate your concern but I want to cling on to this house at least till the time I am ready to move on”
But Sara didn’t give up and made me promise to have dinner with them every day to which I had no choice but to say yes. Sara was a devoted mother. She always was worried about Anwar. She couldn’t compensate for the loss of a drunk father, who was now married had a family of his own, but she tried her best to fulfil every wish of Anwar and tried to be the father he never had. But a child requires a father figure in his life and so did Anwar. When Anwar started bonding with my dad, Sara was really happy and quite relieved too. So, when my parents passed away, it wasn’t just my loss, it was Anwar’s too. Anwar lost a dad too, second time and a good one at that. But he never showed it to me, he didn’t have to, I just knew. Most of the time dad was the guiding light in Anwar’s life; he never took an important decision without consulting dad. So, we both lost that day.
***
Ishaan was heart-broken. He of course remembered everything he said to Anwar. But considering Anwar didn’t want to talk about what happened last night at all, he also came to the conclusion that it was a grave mistake to propose him and that too in front of all the batch-mates, it became the worst grad party ever. Now, this memory that was supposed to be a happy one will be ruined because he was sloppy and drunk. He blamed himself for watching too many romantic movies especially his favourite Call me by your name. He felt so stressed out that this will/ may have some kind of negative impact on their relationship. He groaned and slept again.
I woke up around seven in the evening, still everything that happened, literally happened and it wasn’t a nightmare. I pushed myself to take a bath and dress up for the special dinner that Sara was hosting. My phoned beeped twice. It was Anwar, asking me to wear a tuxedo because Sara wanted to have a perfect picture, of course. For the first time in years, I decided to go to mom and dad’s room to borrow a tuxedo from his wardrobe, because I didn’t have one and it just didn’t feel right to buy a new one without dad, not for graduation, at the least, I don’t why it didn’t, but it just didn’t. All the memories came rushing back in and I was flushed with tears in seconds. I took out a grey tuxedo, which dad wore for the last time, four days before the accident, to celebrate his promotion. I wanted to wear the one in which he was happy. It still smelled like him even after five years. As I stood in front of the mirror looking at myself and wondering how well it fit, I put my hands in the blazer and found a piece of paper in the left pocket of the coat. I took it out, thinking maybe it will be a receipt and I started reading it. I just couldn’t. The paper fell down from my hands and I fell on my knees and cried.
“Hey Mr. Rai, first of all congratulations on the big promotion, I am so happy for you. You deserved this. Today, I wanted to tell you something that I have never said out loud even to myself and believe me it is hard but, I just have to share it now, it is killing me. You have always been by my side, since the day we met. You have always supported me in every way you could. I have made a lot of mistakes, and falling in love with your son is one of them. I always have had some kind of pull towards him and I was not able to figure out why. I have been with so many girls, but nobody made me feel the way your son did, although we didn’t have any physical connection. He altered my emotions and he made them sing in his presence. Maybe I wasn’t able to realise this sooner because I am not ready to accept my sexuality and let go of how it makes me feel. I am scared of how the world will look at me as an Asian Muslim Bisexual man, to them I will always be Asian and the other. I am scared of all those judging eyes, because high school kids are mean and they do not give you a second chance to rebuild your image. Over these high school years I made myself the best and I still try to, because it makes me feel in control. But being friends with your son, made me realise it’s not about people, it is about me. The way that he is so open and cool about his pronouns and flexible with his newfound identity and comfortable and patient with people who want to understand and others who are just bullies, makes me realise how coward I am to hide who I am because I let the fear of other people’s opinion cloud my choices . He inspires me and I feel powerful and courageous standing by his side. I am confessing this to you because I don’t know how to say this to Ishaan. In fact I don’t know when I will be comfortable with my own self, with my sexuality and Identity. Even if I someday decide to come out of the closet that I have created myself, I don’t know if I will ever be able to tell Ishaan, how I really feel about him. I don’t want to lose him as he is my best person even if that means hiding my feelings forever.
Your almost son,
Anwar.”
He couldn’t believe his eyes. Anwar wrote this when they were fifteen years old. It all made sense now. Anwar was obviously there when they were celebrating his dad’s promotion and Ishaan saw Anwar slipping a letter into his dad’s pocket. The reason he didn’t say anything was because he knew that when and if Anwar wanted to say something to him about it, he will.
I was shocked. All these years, we both loved each other but no one was able to say it to the other fearing the loss. I Snapped out of the shock, ran down the stairs, crying, crossed the garden and opened Anwar’s main door and what I saw next shocked me even more.
The house was decked up with fairy lights. I followed the path made by the orchids that led me to the table and there was a white chocolate cranberry scone placed at the centre of the table from our favourite Blacksmith Bakery. There was a small slip that said
“Split the scone in two parts”
There was a key ring with two keys inside it. It was submerged in cranberry sauce. So I, like any other sophisticated human being licked off the sauce and the key ring was of a bulldog, which held a small white plaque that said “WE ARE GOING TO YALE!” Then I turned around to spot Anwar, he was standing right behind me.
“I don’t know where life is going to take us Ishaan, but what I do know is that I would love you to be a part of my universe. I would love to share a white chocolate cranberry scone with you in a small bakery that we will find in Yale and it would become our go to favourite one. Will you accept eating a scone with me as we figure out our places in this world? Because, exploring the world and Yale without the one person I adore will not even be close to interesting. I adore you Ishaan, I really do and even though I am totally scared about the future and how it will pan out, my heart is sure about you. It always has been.
Ps- your acceptance letter came this morning”
“So, I guess we are going to Yale then, right?”
“Right!”
“Right.”
***
“It has been twenty-five years since your dad pulled that cheesy proposal, can you believe it?”
“But it wasn’t a proposal Dad.”
“Oh, Honey, it was a proposal, believe me. It was just wrapped up, you know. He was still discovering himself.”
“You know what Ishaan, you are forgetting who overcame everything and proposed you in our second year of college, huh?”
“And you my Darling Anwar Malik Devereux Rai are forgetting that I proposed you to marry me.”
“You know what guys I think we will be late for my High School Graduation, which by the way is once in a lifetime event and I want both Ishaan and Anwar Malik Devereux Rai aka my daddy’s to be there on time. So, let’s continue this banter in the car. Come on, move your adorable asses to the car.”
