Nancy was determined; therefore, having moved to a big city, first off she got married and became Mrs. Woods. Thus, all of the secondly, thirdly and so on fell away. She did not have to work, a successful but already aging husband, also freed her from household affairs, which is why, being in the prime of her youth and strength, she also had plenty of free time. Perhaps because of Mrs. Woods’ absolute idleness, rather than from a distinct type of mind, she began to be weighed down by the presence of a grumbling and sluggish husband and, one day, when not even a year had passed since she got married, she accidentally mixed up the old man’s dose of medicine, what made him go aloft. Apparently, Mr. Woods had some reasons to believe that the young wife had mixed up the dose not at all accidentally; therefore, after death, the ghost of Mr. Woods began to haunt the young widow.
Accustomed not to shun any means to achieve the goal, Mrs. Woods reasoned quite sensibly and thought sequentially. Therefore, in the beginning, she accepted the fact that the ghost of her late husband now does not leave her alone, quite reasonably. You wouldn’t call the police here, you wouldn’t write a complaint. Wait and see, she decided. And she gladly signed all the documents in the bank from where she had already come out as a rich heiress in her twenty-odd years.
In a short time Nancy Woods learned to live side by side with the ghost of her late husband. She was not frightened by the sinister night rustles or sudden power outages. Of course, that wasn’t all. Mr. Woods’ restless spirit began to cause a mess; things began to disappear just as suddenly as to be found in other place. Water unexpectedly began to hit from a tap under strong pressure and once Nancy woke up from a draft, as it turned out, one of the windows was broken. She carefully restored everything as it was, cleaned things up, closed the water, fixed the window. And then, with the money of the late Mr. Woods, she hired a maid and a round-the-clock watchman, in case the ghost would accidentally decide to set the house on fire. The plan worked and the late Mr. Woods, even as a ghost, was offended to let such significant amounts of money out of his own fault; so he abandoned the idea of inflicting chaos and disorder, and Mrs. Woods thought that she had treated him the right way.
Time passed and Mr. Woods’ spirit did not cause any inconvenience, which made Mrs. Woods bored – a safe spirit was useless. And so she began to think about how to get rid of him at all. But, unfortunately, she did not find the answer to her question in any reference book or textbook, and also none of her friends could help her with such a trifling matter. Therefore, Mrs. Woods decided to seek advice from a fortune-teller.
The fortune-teller, laying out cards one after another before the young visitor, gave a disappointing forecast:
“Unfortunately, ghosts require death for death.”
“And so, absolutely nothing can be done?” Nancy asked pleadingly, clutching a handkerchief in her hands.
But Nancy Woods was not so easy to stop. On the same evening, she visited one noisy tavern and a little later she joined a huge and very drunk gentleman. The next morning, convincing him of actions that he could not remember at all, she made him marry her. Just in case, she threatened with the law, and if it wouldn’t help, with her wealth, which she would use, so that the best lawyers would justify her in the face of the public. But, of course, there was no need in any arguments, let alone threats, to frequenter of local bars and taverns Albert Seann. He was pleasantly surprised by such a gift of fate.
Of course, with drunkard Albert, everything was much simpler. One day, a month after the wedding, late in the evening, having had a good booze, he climbed the stairs very slowly. His head was spinning, his legs weren’t obeying, and then there was the grain, which his young wife had scattered so imprudently by an absurd accident on the stairs, just two steps away from her door. But Albert did not see it, and therefore went down the stairs with speed, which can only be developed by falling head over heels. What Albert did and an excellent bottle of whiskey, which he drained today on the generous pocket money received from his wife, was the last for him.
Sitting in front of the fortune-teller once again, while she was laying out the cards, Nancy said:
“You said that a ghost requires death for death. The other day, my second husband passed away, now two ghosts are chasing me. And in this situation, I can’t repay death for death; I can’t die twice and thereby satisfy the request of both. Maybe there is some other way to get rid of them?”
The fortune-teller remained silent for a while, shuffled the cards, raised her eyebrows in surprise, then did everything in a new way. Nancy was calm.
“Here’s what you can do, try to make them leave you on their own accord.”
Not having received any more detailed instructions from the fortune-teller, Nancy Woods decided that she knew better. Looking at herself in the mirror, Nancy thought that, of course, her husbands had no pride; they were ready to pursue her together, side by side, even after death, with no sense of rivalry. On the other hand, she reasoned, combing her thick golden curls, they simply cannot leave such a beautiful woman. But not one of those assumptions was comforting.
A clever decision crossed Mrs. Woods’ head as if by itself. She just had to wait! Surely, given the difference in views and positions, ghosts would soon begin to quarrel, and then eventually would go in their own directions. Most likely, Mr. Woods got an axe to grind with Albert, an alcoholic, for the money he spent, and Albert had desire to break Mr. Woods’ nose, just by his nature. To make the conditions for their quarrel even more favorable, Nancy began to stay at home more often, letting go of the servants earlier, and almost all the time there was darkness in her house. But it seemed that such concern and such close attention to both ghosts only weakened their will and motivation. No, this plan did not produce results. They did not even quarrel. After all, if only Mr. Woods and Albert Seann had at least some common interests, their conversations, noise and din, and after all disputes on this basis, would not give Nancy rest, but the pompous miser Mr. Woods and the alcoholic Albert despised each other, and therefore sat silently in different rooms.
Nancy sat in front of the fortune-teller for the third time. She decided to give one last chance to her cards, otherwise, this woman with gray hair and golden rings in her ears would no longer get big fees. After a while, the fortuneteller seemed to find the answer:
“Still, ghosts are not attached to their goal as much as is commonly believed. You can find someone else for them to switch to, to whom they will harbor more anger than you.”
Nancy was puzzled. All of the evening she thought about a person, who the miser and alcoholic might equally hate. What would be more bothering than the wife, who they, by their own conclusions, accused of their deaths? The answer came to Nancy late at night. Perhaps quiet singing prompted the thought, and contrary to Mrs. Woods’ expectations, it was not Albert who sang it out of habit, but Mr. Woods, who remembered his youth, recalled his early hopes, dreams, and also a stormy time of idleness, dancing and a bit of work, until the whirlpool of deals, meetings and big jackpots swallowed him, and, at the end of his life, he accepted death from a beautiful young wife. He has already learned to relate to the latter fact philosophically, with the characteristic share of romance inherent in all elderly people. Albert has also changed a bit. He discovered the fact that ghosts do not have a depressing desire to drink, they do not have a hangover in the morning, especially since his case, at first, seemingly successful marriage, led to death, he forever lost the desire to experience a well-known fun when you are already drunk enough, but still hold on to your feet to think that the sea is knee-deep. Albert now lived in a decent apartment and his neighbor was boring, but with such people he had not yet had to live side by side. More correctly, to exist. Albert Seann, if I may say so, began a new life, even though after death.
So, that night, Nancy realized – the only thing that could disturb Mr. Woods and Albert Seann after everything that had happened to them was if they witnessed what men hate the most – when women poke their way into men’s business. And therefore, waking up, Nancy took a significant part of her fortune and went to the well-known businessman, who was famous for his scandalous reputation and the ability to stay in his place and prosper after all the troubles.
Nancy Woods did not want to seem like a fool. She was sitting in Perry Johnson’s office, and he, with a sweet smile, offered an unlimited number of projects where one can spend money and, after some time, having paid a substantial percentage to Perry, get much more. Nancy clearly felt the spirits of the late husbands literally standing behind her. She knew for sure that if she invested money just like that on Perry’s advice, neither of them would believe her. Perry Johnson’s offers betrayed for a mile a falsification, and, no matter how angry both ghosts were at Mrs. Woods, they knew that she was far from stupid, and, accordingly, if they realized that she was deceiving them to get rid of, they would never leave her and who knows what could be expected in that case. So the matter was important, she couldn’t spoil a thing. And then, looking at Perry Johnson, Nancy Woods realized that she was very lucky. Perry Johnson was handsome. Perhaps even too handsome. He tried to emphasize it too much, a broad smile, regular features, the area of competence of her both late husbands was off.
Mrs. Woods played well. At first she expressed categorically, even very rude, that all Perry’s offers were doubtful, and that it wasn’t so easy to walk her round. Although the ghosts made no sound, she knew that at that moment both of them heaved a sigh of relief. However, then, Perry launched his standard tricks, designed more for ladies in age who already received attention from men only in stores and from sales agents than for young girls. Nevertheless, pretending to be ignorant of such matters, Mrs. Woods perfectly pretended to succumb to the charms of this sweet gigolo, and after a while she left his office, leaving all of the money she took with her today.
Nancy continued to live a normal life, with only a few changes: now, from morning till night, she heard measured steps – it was Mr. Woods who lost his peace and paced back and forth, lamenting about such a terrible way of using his funds. Albert again began to regret that he was now unable to get drunk and forced to watch everything that was happening, as a man, he also could not endure female stupidity.
Mrs. Woods’ plan worked. In a few days, the steps suddenly stopped. Mr. Woods’ ghost decided that it’s not over yet and that he could try to make Perry Johnson refuse the money that Mrs. Woods had given to him. Albert had no idea what he would do if he had been left alone, especially since he was already used to a silent neighborhood with Nancy’s first husband, so he followed after Mr. Woods. Nancy Woods, on the other hand, hoped that a person like Perry Johnson under no circumstances would return the money, and therefore the ghosts left her for good.
But both ghosts decided to beat Perry Johnson where it hurts. Given that playing with a lady in a certain theater of unexpectedly occurring love and an instantly flared up passion was quite a laborious task, because no amount of money would make the waist thin, and step light, although his visitors thought exactly the opposite, Mr. Woods and Albert Seann did Perry’s performances completely impossible. They poured small doses of sleeping pills into Johnson’s tea, and those pills fueled his appetite tremendously, so the tummy began to form. Important attributes of his activity, such as a breath freshener, a CD with pleasant relaxing music, a hair gel, and decorative bottles of champagne, which he so loved to find unexpectedly, when another lady with money appeared, were missing. And once, at that moment, when another visitor came to discuss a small business issue with Perry, since nowadays it didn’t seem possible to do on the phone, Albert promptly pushed the chair aside when she tried to sit down, and Mr. Woods tickled a pretty businessman, so he began to laugh, just at the moment when the visitor painfully landed on her bottom. Of course, as both ghosts sought, Perry Johnson’s clients were not satisfied with this state of things more than with unsuccessful deals and never returned to him, spreading unflattering rumors about him. Perry thought that he had finally been punished for all his sins, so he stopped accepting visitors, handed out the money that had not yet been spent, including the funds of Mrs. Woods, and went on vacation to chirk up and think about life. And the ghosts of Mr. Woods and Albert Seann returned to Nancy.
As Mrs. Woods had promised herself, she did not go to the fortuneteller once again, she no longer believed that her advice could help in any way. Instead, Nancy packed her suitcase, threw covers on furniture, closed the door with a key and hit the road. She flew on a plane, rode a train, eventually got in a wagon, and when it broke, she rode a little on a mule and got to the right place. She was not afraid of the local scorching sun, sandstorms or local customs, she knew that there was more serious magic there than the cards of the fortuneteller she visited. As she planned, her blond hair, blue eyes and natural grace conquered the future, her third, husband. His dark eyes, straight nose and dark skin struck Nancy, at least, so one could think from the side view. He thoroughly listened to the story about her little problem regarding two ghosts, and set a wedding day. After Nancy became a wife for the third time, she managed to endure a very strange night. Somewhere, as if for several kilometers away, there were loud noises, humming, ringing. From the window she saw the stars, and then they seemed to begin to blur, multiply in the eyes of Nancy, and she fallen into a heavy sleep. Waking up the next morning, Nancy realized that she was finally free. The spirits of Mr. Woods and Albert Seann no longer bothered her, and she did not want to know where they had gone. True, Mrs. Woods woke up alone this morning, exactly like the two dozen other wives of her third husband. But Nancy was not embarrassed. She not only knew how not to give up in the face of the most daunting tasks, but also had the wisdom to learn from the past. Therefore, she did not even think of making herself another ghost, particularly in the form of her current husband, it would be very dangerous. After some time of unusual solitude, she even became bored, either with the noise of the big city, or with the absence of the spirits of Mr. Woods and Albert Seann. But her sadness did not last long; it was not so easy to get Nancy Woods to give up. For so much time spent side by side with ghosts, she memorized every smallest detail of their manner of behavior and all the tricks that they could do. Therefore, she immediately began to do the same. After deliberating, her formidable husband came to the conclusion that they had definitely got rid of the ghosts of a white woman from a distant country, but her appearance here was not good. Therefore, Nancy Woods was delicately taken out at night, and she was even enriched with some very valuable gifts, for the promise that she would not return to these places anymore. She was taken to the nearest railway station, after which they left her to her own devises. Right away Nancy Woods bought a ticket to the famous resort town. Resting on a golden beach under an awning, she even met Perry Johnson, who was passing by. He turned pretty gray. Or she just made it up.
