A Youth of Dreams

“Life, it seemed all ok till a fire ignited in my heart. It was all white that I mistook  for light. I believed my life didn’t have anything missing and indeed it wasn’t. It was fully filled with dullness. Dullness I can’t describe and boredom I can’t take on. However one fine day my peaceful life got distort. It was the day I dreamed for the first time and went up to the stage to sing the melody of a lifetime. That was the day ever since which I didn’t have a single day’s sleep. The fire in my heart kept on igniting my passion for one more melody, the lyrics of which I have forgotten in a place called youth.”

It was night time when Manas abruptly began thinking about his life. It was nothing extraordinary. Life to him was as normal as the sun rising in the east every morning and setting in the west each evening. However for some reason today his mind was filled with questions about himself when he met his cousin who risked dropping out of college to fulfill his dream of starting his own food business.

Manas had been a development officer in the corporation called LIC for the past seven years. Though he had some status in his work place, he wasn’t satisfied by it. The work was ok. Managing agents, preparing the year end business reports, etc were his jobs. But for some reason he could not understand why he wasn’t happy about this comfortable job which paid him well every month.

He has always been a filial son to his parents. After completing his education like his father wanted, he secured a well paid government job. He married the girl of their choice and thought he would be happy one day, so what….. if not today. Alas! Even after seven years of trying so hard he was not at all happy.

Sitting on the terrace that night he remembered the days of his college life. Back then he used to be a rock star of the stage. When he sang no one could resist but listen to his soulful singing. Singing was his life’s biggest dream. He had even written and composed so many songs but couldn’t take them to a music director. He never had enough courage to tell his father about his passion. His friends Rituraj and Sandeep had always encouraged him to go tell his father about his interest.

So one find day he did go to his father to talk. ‘Deuta (Father in Assamese), I have something I want to talk about with you.’ ‘Tell me then.’ His father asked while reading the newspaper. ‘It is about my career.’ ‘Oh, right I also have something to ask you? Have you thought of which government job you want to apply for?’ Manas was taken aback for a moment. He somehow gathered enough courage to talk to his father about his interest in music but this question took away all that. ‘No, I haven’t thought about it. I was thinking to consult it with you first.’ ‘That’s good then. Because I think you should think of joining LIC.’ His father replied. In return Manas said nothing. He just remained quite agreeing to his father.

After returning to his room where his wife was sleeping, he saw the old bookshelf. This bookshelf was special to him as it was the hideout of all the songs he wrote secretly during his college days. Instead of sleeping on the bed he started searching for the songs he hide in the bookshelf. They were still in the same place he hide them. Pulling out his lyrical diary he sat on the study table.

When he went through the diary he saw a song he wrote for his first love Shehnaz. Now he remembers Shehnaz, she was his girlfriend during college days. He loved her a lot. The days with her during college were quite blissful to him. He really used to believe this world was no less than haven. But she was a Muslim, so again he being a Brahmin Hindu boy had no courage to confront his parents about it. So finally their love story ended on a tragic note. There was nothing tragic though he just never had enough courage to tell about her to his parents. So she left him at the end.

Flipping through the pages of his diary the only thing he could do now was to remember those dreamlike days of his college. After college was over, he obediently followed the path his parents told him to. Today looking back he had nothing but only regrets to carry on for life. What the future holds for him he does not know. But his present was definitely not a happy one.

                                                ***

One fine morning he met Rituraj at his office. He came to find Manas after many years. When he greeted Rituraj, he was informed that Shehnaz had died. However her death was an unnatural one, she committed suicide. He could not believe for a moment what he heard. He could not understand why a cheerful girl like Shehnaz would commit such an act.

So the next thing they did was to visit her family, as her college friends. Another shock was awaiting them there, when they learned that Shehnaz had committed suicide out of depression. After college when she broke up with Manas, she got married to a man from a rich and influential family. However as life had it in store she wasn’t happy at all. After marriage there were many differences between the two and her husband did not possess a good character as well. As a result of which she suffered from depression and finally it all ended up with her death. Her family could not seek justice for her as they were financially not sound enough. Returning back home, Manas could not help but regret even more.  Only if he had enough courage to stand up for his love, then she might have been alive today. He felt as if he was the real culprit behind her death.

The next day Rituraj and Sandeep visited him at home. He could not attend office after the incident the previous day. They came for a purpose today. They handed him the letter Shehnaz wrote to him just before she committed suicide. Looking at the letter Manas cried out loudly so much so that his wife came out running to him to ask what happened.

That night before going to bed he read the letter Shehnaz wrote to him. She must have cried a lot writing it during her last breaths. It was a very long letter. In it she narrated their tales of college life and their incomplete love. But lastly she encouraged him to pursue his dream of music. She told him to be brave enough to pursue them. “Because it is easy to give up our dreams, but it is very hard to realize them.”

                                       ***

“Life, it seemed all ok till a fire ignited in my heart. It was all white that I mistook  for light. I believed my life didn’t have anything missing and indeed it wasn’t. It was fully filled with dullness. Dullness I can’t describe and boredom I can’t take on. However one fine day my peaceful life got distort. It was the day I dreamed for the first time and went up to the stage to sing the melody of a lifetime. That was the day ever since which I didn’t have a single day’s sleep. The fire in my heart kept on igniting my passion for one more melody, the lyrics of which I have forgotten in a place called youth.”

Every one stood up and gave a huge round of applause to Manas as he finished his award winning speech two years later in the music awards. Somewhere far from the madding crowd he saw a person applauding for him in eternal joy. He kept on staring at her as the applauses continued to rise.