With the Coronavirus scare numbing the collective psyches of our great nation our president, Donald J. Trump, awoke to the realization that he had to personally do something to assuage public panic, and slow the descent of his plummeting stock portfolio. Ignoring the advice of all his advisors, the Teflon Don hit upon a way to display leadership and stick it to the sniffling democrats. Trump went on national television, and as the cameras whirred he consumed three king-sized buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken, a side of beef known to be contaminated with Mad Cow Disease, a gigantic bag of pork rinds, and a five-pound box of Milk Duds. With his appetite temporarily satiated, Trump bellowed to the waiting henchmen of the Surgeon General, “Go ahead and inject me boys, for you shall soon see that this shit ain’t nothing to me.”
As with everything else, he was in error, of course, and he rapidly ballooned to the size of the Pillsbury Dough Boy from the first Ghostbusters movie, but before his lying lips swelled permanently shut he finally admitted for the first time in his entire life that he was wrong before exploding and propelling microscopic projectiles of his blubber across our great land instantaneously infecting all its inhabitants. Canada and Mexico immediately closed their borders and indigently warned that America not even attempt to send them her best.
Menacing Mike Pence was sworn in as our 46th President, but with the election just a half-year away most felt his time in office wouldn’t be long. What did it matter anyway? For we were all going to die. Then Miracle Mike announced that Jesus had descended into his bedroom in the dead of night and delivered unto him the antidote to this heinous disease, and if anyone wanted it that they had better vote for him.
For the sake of appearances on the world stage that America still held free and fair elections the democrats scurried to appoint an opponent. Knowing that Bloomberg had run out of money frantically searching for a cure, their elitist establishment still felt that Bernie was unelectable, that Elizabeth Warren was too shrewish, and then they began to lose all hope when they discovered that Joe Biden had lost his mojo because he was now in the hospital deliriously muttering that the evidence still wasn’t in on marijuana. So as a last resort they dredged up Hillary and rolled her on her death bed up onto the hastily erected debate stage. After they propped her up to speak into her microphone, in homage to the antics of his former boss and exhibiting his own special brand of machismo Pence snuck up behind her and displayed bunny ears at the back of her head. Hillary wasted no time in screeching, that with Trump now dead, that Pence was now the most deplorable of all the deplorables. Not to be upstaged, Mean Mike shouted his retort of, “You’re no Richard Nixon!” The whole spectacle was nothing more than a thinly-veiled sham, anyway, because nobody really wanted to die, and Pence won the election in a landslide before the ink had even dried on the “I Like Mike” pins that the voters were forced to wear at gunpoint.
With the antidote now widely distributed, the nation was vigorously rebounding, and the only question that remained was how to dispense of the bodies of the die-hard democrats. Pence decreed that their grossly twisted and deformed carcasses be dumped onto vacant lots as an answer to the call for urban infill, and/or widely dispersed across the prairies to replenish depleted soils into which carbon sequestering trees could be planted to thwart climate change. Through clenched teeth Pence vindictively stated, “That’s all you eco-nuts are going to get out of me.”
Now in the position to fulfill his lifelong ambitions to prove that he was a man of action, Pence instilled Marshall Law, appointed Mitch McConnell Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, and nominated Sean Hannity as Minister of Misinformation. Swinging his axe of tyranny, Pence then outlawed all forms of abortion and to prove his compassionate point, he declared that all involved be summarily executed.
With the winds of momentum furiously gusting at his back, Pence held huge rallies in football stadiums with the Blue Angles flying overhead. Despite the ongoing protestations of the Rolling Stones, Pence had his go-to campaign song “Sympathy for the Devil” blared at full volume as his throngs of admirers gleefully sang along to the lyrics of “…who killed the Kennedy’s? Because after all, it was you and me.” That always got them frothing at the mouth as Mystifying Mike Pence boomed his latest edicts over the megaphone. In response to Mexico’s reopening her borders now that the Corona virus was eliminated from the North American Continent, and so that her disenfranchised people could return home, Pence supporters slightly altered the words of deceased President Trump’s favorite chant, to say nothing of his unfulfilled agenda, and shouted at the top of their lungs, “Hey Pence, build that fence!”
The Grim Reaper then declared The Constitution unconstitutional and President Malicious Mike Pence decreed that all the toilet paper manufacturers across our great land were now required to print those now defunct words on each and every sheet. The Federal Reserve printed up $250.00 bills with Trump’s portrait prominently displayed on the front and Mar-A-Lago on the back with the shameless words, “In Only This We Trust,” garishly stretching across the masthead. Food Stamps became extinct and Medicare was repealed while mileage standards were reduced to 1950’s levels. The founding fathers all rolled in unison in their graves.
Mortifying Mike Pence proclaimed himself President for life and started wearing impressive and snappy uniforms with golden tassels on the shoulders. At his celebratory inauguration, to thoroughly entertain the crowd, he had the heads of the squad impaled onto pikes to be exhibited in front of the Capitol Building. America once again closed her borders and tossed the lower classes into the surrounding seas, but just when it looked like everything that the republicans had ever wanted was poised to become a reality, China apologetically and with an air of grave consternation announced that a new super strain of a deadly virus was rapidly approaching our shores. Mad Mike Pence shit his tasseled trousers while his eyes rolled back in his head as he tumbled from his high-backed power chair and spastically wiggled on the carpet of the oval office.
In validation of their infinite wisdom, the founding fathers rolled back to their original positions in their graves.
